Jihad: The game

[SwoopnHuck 0]

Coming soon to a gaming console near you (XBox, XBox360, PS2, PS3, PC and yes the GameCube) is the much anticipated First person game of the millennium that every Muslim must have: “Jihad”.

Synopsis:

In “Jihad” you’ll get the once in a life time opportunity to put the Infidel in their place and secure your place in paradise with as many virgins as you can handle. “Jihad” offers four distinctive gaming experiences. In the first gaming mode you act as a freedom fighter in Iraq where you’re tasked with eliminating the American Infidel by using your trusty suicide bombing vest. In the second gaming mode, we take you to the exotic city of Tel Aviv Israel where you will be assigned to a food market where the infidel must be eliminated through the use of your trusty suicide vest (our personal favorite in this level is to blow up the school bus full of children who are parked at the northeast corner of the market). In the third gaming mode, we take you to the subways of London England where you hook up with the local British Imams who will set you up with the best suicide vests money can buy. With these new and improved suicide vests, you and your multi-player "Jihad" friends can coordinate your attack on the Infidel to inflict maximum damage not only to those worthless unbelievers, but you’ll also be given the opportunity to inflict maximum damage to London’s transportation system and ultimately London’s economy. Finally, in our rush to please all Muslims around the globe with their quest towards Jihad, we’ve decided to add a new last minute gaming mode to “Jihad”. In this bonus gaming mode, you will be given the opportunity to shoot Catholic nuns in the back of the head in the historic children’s hospital of Mogadishu Somalia and if you do actually succeed in killing enough nuns with the firearms you are issued, instead of having your suicide vest detonate, the game teleports you into the private chamber of Pope Benedict the II at the Vatican where you will be able to have tea with the Holy Pontiff before your suicide vest detonates sending him to hell and yourself to paradise to meet all of the virgins you have been promised.

Positive Impressions of the Game:

“Jihad” is the must have game of the millennium for all obedient Muslims around the globe. In this game, you fantasize about being just like your favorite real world Islamic freedom fighter where you will be outfitted with the best “Suicide Vests” and “Improvised Exploding Devices” money can buy. In fact the makers of “Jihad” feel that you will become so absorbed with this game that once you have completed your first level, you will want to run (not walk) to your local Al-Qaeda recruiting office where there will be no shortage of real world targets that you can choose from to rid the world of the Infidel. But be warned, before we send you off to free the world from the Infidel, you must under go many hours of education and training studying the meaning of the Koran. During your training you will be whisked off to Pakistan where not only will you be educated in the ways of the Koran, but the training exercises will allow you safe passage into Afghanistan to watch some of your freedom fighting peers use their IEDs and suicide vests just so that you know how to do it once it is your turn. Plus while in the Tora Bora region of Afghanistan, you will stay at the lush “Cave of Osama” resort where you will get to watch hours of inspirational videos of our leader. Just remember to keep your head down as the Infidel still thinks they can oust us and our freedom loving friends the Taliban from Afghanistan. But fret not, once you’re back in Pakistan, you will be protected by our friend Pervez Musharraf who so far as deceived the western powers into thinking that he his on their side when we all know that he would like nothing other than to see the Infidel burn in hell.

Negative Impressions of the Game:

There’s not much bad to say about this game. It’s a true joy to play for all Muslims and we feel that this game will make you want to be like your real life freedom fighting heroes.

But if there is something negative about this game, it was that we think the developers rushed the game to the market a little early before all the kinks could be worked out of it. At the end of your mission (a split second after your suicide vest detonates) instead of finding yourself in paradise with the virgins (as the Koran promises), the screen just goes black and the whole system hangs. This issue has been mentioned numerous times to the developers of “Jihad” and while they assure us that the game was thoroughly tested and is bug free, there remains a problem with getting into paradise and we’ve decided to give the game makers a deadline of 10 days to fix this issue or else we will pay their office a visit and show them what real "Jihad" feels like.

We were also confused as to why the game makers only allowed us to play one mode of the game. For some reason, you can only play the Iraq freedom fighter mission, the Tel Aviv market, the London subway or the Mogadishu hospital. Once one of these levels was completed, the entire game needed to be uninstalled and reinstalled all over again and each time you had to go through the training and education missions before you got to wage Jihad on the Infidel. We think more people would take to this game, if you could skip the training and education and go directly to killing the Infidel. But other than that, we think all obedient Muslims should play this game and rid the world of the Infidel for good.

Looking Forward:

Since the developers of "Jihad" have exposed their APIs to 3rd party application developers, we are especially looking forward to special "expansion packs" which should be made available to the regular "Jihad" player and these expansion packs will enhance their "Jihad" experience by bringing the fight directly to Fortress America where the Infidel thinks that their foolish War on Terror has made America safe (I mean there hasn't been a major attack in the USA since 9/11 so America is safe thanks to GWB right?). But with this expansion pack, you will get to visit close relatives of yours in Montreal and Toronto Canada (who have close connections with influential Liberal Canadian Politicians) before they smuggle you into the USA where you will be given your choice of big ticket targets to eliminate. This has got to be the most sought after mission in "Jihad" since the Crusades. Just imagine the joy you will bring yourself as you strap that nuclear suicide vest on during your visits to historical American land marks and American financial institutions.

Allah Akbar … God is Great ... and death to the Infidel ...

PS: DO NOT TAKE THIS POST SERIOUS!!!

It's a parachute, it wants to open!!!