Conservatives and Liberals

[makeithappen40 0]

This one's just a friendly response to the other satyrical thread, Liberals and Conservatives.

I didn't type this one up, but if you can laugh at the other, you can laugh at this. I thought they were both funny.

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Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the
people of the new country of Nuevo California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, Georgia and all the other slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama .

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're
going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to
fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send
to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures
of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in
Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of80% of the country's
fresh water, more than 90 % of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's
fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state
dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all
obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of
all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually
swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the
death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that
Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy b*****ds believe you are
people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they
grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

[RonD1120 62]

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This one's just a friendly response to the other satyrical thread, Liberals and Conservatives.

I didn't type this one up, but if you can laugh at the other, you can laugh at this. I thought they were both funny.

And so did I.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
- Quentin Crisp

But a country boy can survive - Hank Williams, Jr.

Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

[mnealtx 0]

I didn't write this either, but you know the drill by now - long, but funny:

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Dear Blue States:

Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of course

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.

Sincerely,

The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[makeithappen40 0]

"Nuh uhh!!!!"

That would have been way, way shorter.

[RonD1120 62]

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I didn't write this either, but you know the drill by now - long, but funny:

You are quick.

I love it. And talk about beaches, have you ever seen the Emerald Coast of NW Florida.

Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

[mnealtx 0]

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"Nuh uhh!!!!"

That would have been way, way shorter.

But not as NEAR as much fun!!

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[lawrocket 3]

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In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the
people of the new country of Nuevo California.

Groovy. Take the debt with you!

But leave the central Valley of California (which the red states should do, too). I don't want red or blue.

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To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, Georgia and all the other slave
states.

My! It's only been 145 years.

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We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

You get New Jersey, too. Oops. Those stem cell needles washing up and sticking people is health care at its finest!

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We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

Fair trade. Gotta have a reminder or what liberty means.

Reminder - gays can't marry in blue states like California.

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We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

Red states also have BP/Amoco, Exxon-Mobil, Texaco, Union, ARCO, etc. You'll be developing alternative technologies much more quickly than you thought you would. Which will be difficult once your electric grids go down from lack of coal, fuel oil, etc.

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We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

Ole Miss economists didn't cause this econmy mess, now did they? Those Ivy League Finance gurus had a pretty significant role.

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We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

Yes. Till they move to the red states for better tax treatment.

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We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share.

Take the debt, too. California has huge revenues - and a deficit of over $26 billion now.

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Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

They won't be on welfare, that's for damned sure.

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Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're
going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.

Who's gonna go get them?

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If you need people to
fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send
to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures
of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in
Bush's Quagmire.

Sweet. With a blue presidency and a blue congress, this should not be a problem right now.

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With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of80% of the country's
fresh water, more than 90 % of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's
fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state
dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

The Red states have the oil. Since that produce, etc., relies on that and not low-sulfur coal, that's trouble.

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With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all
obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of
all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

Actually, I suspect the red states will ensure they don't have to worry about the health care costs.

This whole "red state"

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[makeithappen40 0]

Well done. Of course, this is the Speaker's Corner, so I'm just going to use my "rock" card. Nope! Try again!

edit:

Sorry. My smartass response wouldn't be right without an emoticon.

(dreamdancer parenthical postscript- thanks mnealtx)

[mnealtx 0]

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Well done. Of course, this is the Speaker's Corner, so I'm just going to use my "rock" card. Nope! Try again!

edit:

Sorry. My smartass response wouldn't be right without an emoticon.

Must have the emoticon!!

(but don't forget the dreamdancer parenthical postscript)

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[billvon 2,990]

>Groovy. Take the debt with you!

Sure. Once we stop supporting the red states the budget gap will basically close itself. California pays $1 for every 81 cents it receives in federal aid, so if we take the red states off the welfare rolls we'll have another $45 billion a year to pay off the deficit. The deficit is currently around $26 billion - so we're in good shape. Maybe we'll "adopt a red state" with the surplus.

And if you really want to keep the Central Valley for yourself, well OK, but you're going to lose all those agricultural subsidies, so get ready to pay a lot more in taxes to support your farmers. We'll keep the farms in El Centro and north of Sacramento. Yeah, El Centro a desert, but all that water we were sending to you guys is now available for us. But fear not; we'll still sell water to you if the price is right.

>You get New Jersey, too. Oops.

True. But we can just take the next exit.

>Take the debt, too. California has huge revenues - and a deficit of
>over $26 billion now.

Which becomes a $19 billion surplus once we jettison the welfare states.

>Yes. Till they move to the red states for better tax treatment.

Once the red states realize that they don't have the blue states supporting them any more, I have a feeling they're going to start realizing that it takes hard work and money to support the infrastructure that companies need.

Sure, that cow pasture in Alabama is really low in taxes. But without power, roads, sewage, or water, they're going to think twice.

>The Red states have the oil.

Eh, we've still got the third largest supply right here - and a lot more off our shores if we get very worried about it. We also have about half the ports, so we'll be able to buy the rest.

But in any case, we won't be on oil long. Once we jettison the pro-coal, pro-CO2 and pro-oil states we'll switch to electric/natural gas/biofuel cars pretty fast. Oh yeah - all the current electric and PHEV car companies come with us, sorry.

[TomAiello 26]

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Once we stop supporting the red states...

You don't happen to have some data about tax revenue and government spending by county, do you?

I bet if you cross reference by county the story looks a bit different.

-- Tom Aiello

Tom@SnakeRiverBASE.com
SnakeRiverBASE.com

[billvon 2,990]

>You don't happen to have some data about tax revenue and
>government spending by county, do you?

Nope. But here, the Central Valley is pretty "red" and they get more agricultural subsidies than anywhere else in the state. Not sure about other places.

[TomAiello 26]

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>You don't happen to have some data about tax revenue and
>government spending by county, do you?

Nope. But here, the Central Valley is pretty "red" and they get more agricultural subsidies than anywhere else in the state. Not sure about other places.

Yeah, but Orange County is pretty red, too. Without some kind of numbers, it's all just speculation.

-- Tom Aiello

Tom@SnakeRiverBASE.com
SnakeRiverBASE.com

[makeithappen40 0]

Phew, didn't want you to catch me on it. Glad i caught it first.

(is this a dreamdancer parenthical postscript? Ill have to add that)

[makeithappen40 0]

I was wondering if someone would say that. Examining the soundness of mnealtx's post is far more difficult, time consuming, and involved than I think any of us are interested in researching for the mere benefit of having enough information to negate each claim by county.

[nerdgirl 0]

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Without some kind of numbers, it's all just speculation.

Here are some values.

It doesn't appear the Dept of Commerce breaks down GDP contribution by county. It does have info on GDP contibution by State and by metropolitan areas. Someone else will have to crunch through the data for analysis.

/Marg

Act as if everything you do matters, while laughing at yourself for thinking anything you do matters.
Tibetan Buddhist saying

[mnealtx 0]

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Someone else will have to crunch through the data for analysis.

/Marg

Oh, c'mon....what ELSE are ya gonna use the Cray for?

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[quade 4]

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Yeah, but Orange County is pretty red, too. Without some kind of numbers, it's all just speculation.

"Pretty red" is one of your great understatements. Hell, you can't swing a dead chicken over your head for a good Santeria ceremony without whacking some ultra-conservative right wing whacko.

Richard Schuller, Rick Warren, Paul Crouch; that three big shots right there. Vanguard University (recently unaccredited I believe!).

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[lawrocket 3]

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Sure. Once we stop supporting the red states the budget gap will basically close itself. California pays $1 for every 81 cents it receives in federal aid, so if we take the red states off the welfare rolls we'll have another $45 billion a year to pay off the deficit.

I don't mind that. Let the farmers compete in the market. Have you noticed that California, New York, etcm, have the biggest percentage deficits?

[Reply]The deficit is currently around $26 billion - so we're in good shape. Maybe we'll "adopt a red state" with the surplus.

[mnskydiver688 0]

And we will be creating just as much CO2 through the burning of fuels that hold less thermal energy, so we end up having to burn more for them same energy.

Sky Canyon Wingsuiters

[turtlespeed 220]

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Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.

You only forgot one thing . . . what are you goig to do about the mass exodus?

We'll have to put up so much fence to kepp y'all out, it would hardly be benificial.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[chasteh 0]

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We'll have to put up so much fence to kepp y'all out, it would hardly be benificial

Well, don't forget you guys are the most likely to come over to Nuevo California and adopt some of our citizens as slaves. They will obtain the resources and will have the time to build them for you. Then, the fence will be used to keep them in. Don't worry, if you don't want to work, you won't have to do it for long.

[turtlespeed 220]

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We'll have to put up so much fence to kepp y'all out, it would hardly be benificial

Well, don't forget you guys are the most likely to come over to Nuevo California and adopt some of our citizens as slaves. They will obtain the resources and will have the time to build them for you. Then, the fence will be used to keep them in. Don't worry, if you don't want to work, you won't have to do it for long.

Nope - you see - We don't want illegal aliens here - that is your obsession, and demise.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[chasteh 0]

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Nope - you see - We don't want illegal aliens here - that is your obsession, and demise

Well, we don't really want them to be illegal either. However, when they are illegal, we are willing to give them a wage and the free choice to stay or leave. Thats very different from the experience they will get in 'Ol Alabama. You'll spend most of your time tightening their shackles and searching for them on horseback. This, of course, occurs in between the 16 hour shifts that they were spiking productivity for you.

[mnealtx 0]

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Nope - you see - We don't want illegal aliens here - that is your obsession, and demise

Well, we don't really want them to be illegal either. However, when they are illegal, we are willing to give them a wage and the free choice to stay or leave. Thats very different from the experience they will get in 'Ol Alabama. You'll spend most of your time tightening their shackles and searching for them on horseback. This, of course, occurs in between the 16 hour shifts that they were spiking productivity for you.

Hyperbole, much?

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706