Evil things to say to first time tandems on the way to altitude...

[Cepheus 0]

When I did my first jump, I was the only first-time jumper on the load. Everyone else had 500+ jumps, if I remember correctly... As a result, I had a pretty fun time listening to all their little 'get the first-timer nervous' jokes.
Heard fun things said to my tandem master like "So when are they going to let you go by yourself?" or "Hope you took your pills this morning," or "So how long have you been sober? Couple days now?" Heard plenty of "Where's your parachute?" Fun stuff like that.
So my question is, what do you guys say to lighten the mood (hehe) for the poor, unfortunate first-time jumpers?

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Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[dropdeded 0]

I just remember something about landing off and cartons of cigarettes.(there is a prison right next to the DZ).

dropdeded
pcss#26

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The Dude Abides.
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[PhreeZone 20]

I once joked about what would you (the Tandem student) do if the plane lost an engine. Me and someone else was joking about airplane crashes and stupid pilots and thats why we jump. I guess at the DZ I was at (not my home) you can't joke about that or even mess with the tandems with out people getting mad.

The 5th attachment point, the belt buckle, the they let you out of the asylum so soon things are all typical.

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[AggieDave 6]

Once they're hooked up go "can you feel my belt buckle?" tandem:"Yeah, its digging into my back..." TM:"I'm not wearing a belt..."

TM:"yelling and screaming is ok, but if it bothers you, tell me and I'll stop..."

Packer/staff:"Hey [TM's Name] did you remember to take your medicine?"
TM:"Why, its not after 11am..." (works when its 3pm or so)
--variation--
TM:"I forgot, I'll just take 3 when I get down, that should makeup for it..."
--variation--
TM:"yeah, the little white one..."
Packer/staff:"No, you're supposed to take the big white ones on Saturday!"
TM:"Oh! Damn, well I guess when I get back I'll need to lay down for a couple hours then..."

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As a packer is handing the rig to the TM:
Packer:"let me know if it opens, its my first time to pack..."


We have a whole lot of other ones we use, but most are sort of on the fly off the tops of our heads.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[skybytch 273]

Said to the student about the instructor - "If he does good this time, next time we're going to let him go by himself."

And of course the old standby said to the instructor - "you did take your meds this morning, didn't you?"

[Jib 0]

To TM: How was your vacation?
TM: Vacation? You mean probation?
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TM: What did I do with that instruction card?

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the depth of his depravity sickens me.
-- Jerry Falwell, People v. Larry Flynt

[PhreeZone 20]

TM pulls Tandems for Dummies book out from under the seat and reads it.

TM falls asleep on the ride up (for real)

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[LawnDart21 0]

As we are taxing for take off in an Otter.......
Tandem Student: "Why does everyone on the plane look so worried?"
Tandem Master (me): "This airplane is 35 years old. Our pilot is only 32 years old. Do the math....Plus, when we take off, we will be travelling down the runway at 90+mph, towards a 50 foot stone wall at the end of the runway. If we don't clear the wall, well......"
Tandem Student: "What everyone doing now?"
Tandem Master (me): "Thinking light."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!

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My other ride is a RESERVE.

[trilete312 0]

I heard one say, Since we are the last group to leave the plane and I have to hold on to you, you have to shut the door.

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Ready, Set, Gooooooo

[Cepheus 0]

Quote

Tandem Master (me): "Thinking light."

Oh that's evil Very nice work.

--
Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[tadbad 0]

My favorite is having someone "fall" out of the plane at a lower altitude...and then have someone look out the door and say "Hope he makes it".

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When you're going to extremes...you taste adrenaline!!

[Sebazz1 2]

Quote

"you did take your meds this morning, didn't you?"

Well I forgot to take them all week so I took all seven this morning

[Sonic 0]

You (to TM): "did you take that red pill for your headache before we got in the plane?"
TM: "Red? I took the blue one !!"
You: "The blue one was viagra !!!!"

and watch the student's face (works on males and females)

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It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone

[Cepheus 0]

Quote

I guess at the DZ I was at (not my home) you can't joke about that or even mess with the tandems with out people getting mad.

Jeeze, what fun is that? I loved those little jokes when I was doing my first tandem... It added to the experience.

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Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[Chivo 0]

I heard this once...

TM: "If at any moment you realize you don't want to jump, all you have to do is yell NO NO NO (three times)"

Student: "Ok.."

TM: "But since its gonna be very loud in the plane, all I'm gonna hear is GO GO GO, so we're going anyway!"

~Chivo

[Spy38W 0]

Get the pilot to 'accidentally' leave the PA on while beginning to taxi, and then have him mention to the copilot how he's so hungover he probably couldn't even drive right now...

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Hook high, flare on time

[mouth 0]

I like to hang way out the door when checking the spot and looking for traffic. The newbies eyes get really big especially if I swing my feet out.

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Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[Sonic 0]

Then scream and then fall out

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It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone

[sunshine 2]

I was being a practice student for someone working on their rating. The whole otter was full of tandems and for some reason we were going out first. Well as a joke i grabbed onto the bar and starting screaming "nooo" and screamed the whole time as the TM in training grabbed my arms and jumped out. I was told later that i really freaked out some of the tandem students.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[Cepheus 0]

Quote

I was being a practice student for someone working on their rating. The whole otter was full of tandems and for some reason we were going out first. Well as a joke i grabbed onto the bar and starting screaming "nooo" and screamed the whole time as the TM in training grabbed my arms and jumped out. I was told later that i really freaked out some of the tandem students.

Ooooh, that is SOOO mean!

--
Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.

[Casch 0]

LMAO I woulda loved to see that!

[swarley 0]

My TM said he worked for the Post Office.
Hmmmmmmm (I went anyway)

[sar911 0]

I usually reach out and touch a part of their harness that has a thread end and say, " It's OK, the stitching should hold for at least one more jump"

[superflie 0]

I often say, "hey, remember to hook this one up."

[Cepheus 0]

Quote

I often say, "hey, remember to hook this one up."

oOoooo...

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Skydive -- testing gravity, one jump at a time.