religious joke of the day

[SethInMI 174]

I was going to post this in bonfire joke thread, but rules are rules...

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Whenever I am in trouble, I think "what would Jesus do?" Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[airdvr 210]

When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I figured out I could steal it and ask forgiveness.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[billvon 2,991]

A priest, a rabbi and a hooker walk into a bar.

Bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

[NewGuy2005 53]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?

A: Someone that goes door to door but doesn't have anything to talk about.

[jclalor 12]

What type of meat do priest eat on Friday?

Nun.

[muff528 3]

Revival was going great and the tent was rocking. Members of congregation were canvassing the neighborhood bringing in new souls as fast as they could go. Even the local hooker was talked into coming inside. A bit later a fellow was leaving a nearby bar and stumbled by the tent. He was brought inside and was given a seat in one of the folding chairs. As the revival reached a fever pitch, the hooker stood up, threw her hands into the air and cried, "Yesterday I was in the clutches of the Devil, but tonight I'm in the arms of the Lord !!" The drunk jumped up and yelled, "So, what are you doing tomorrow !?"

[gowlerk 2,191]

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

[motionscribe 0]

Ya, I found that one doing a quick google search as well.

One of my favorites is from Sam Kinison.

I'll paraphrase, editing it for accuracy and foul language:

. . .that's why Jesus wasn't married, because no wife would buy the resurrection story, right? He just takes off on a Thursday night to some party with 12 of his buddies. She doesn’t hear from him again ’til Sunday. He comes in the house, she’s going, "and where have you been for three days, Mister Winemaker?" Jesus is going, “No, no, I’ll tell ya. I’ll tell ya where i’ve been. First of all, not that it’s important, but I was DEAD! I'm in a damn grave outside of town, I’m fighting death, Hell, decomposure. I’m changing spiritual form about to come into the Kingdom of God and I go, ‘wait a second, I better go back because she doesn’t know where I’ve been!'"

[normiss 800]

What's the difference between Jebus and a picture of Jebus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

[headoverheels 333]

Why didn't Jesus get into med school?

He got crossed up on the boards.

[motionscribe 0]

Ya, I was wondering who was going to be the first poster to keep it classy.

https://agnostichumor.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/39220782.jpg

[normiss 800]

They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer exist!

[normiss 800]

I made the mistake of assuming a thread about religious jokes was just that.
I didn't realize it was a thread of bait to allow bible thumpers to insult and respond with a PA.

Thanks for reminding me how religion works.

[motionscribe 0]

Oh, "bible thumper," nice comeback!

It's not my fault that you take jokes so personally.

[normiss 800]

It would appear more accurate than me being an asshole.
Unless in reference to being a Muff Brother!
Muff Muff Muff!

[motionscribe 0]

Rick must've taken you up on those beers. . .

[normiss 800]

All the time!
It's what friends do.

[motionscribe 0]

normiss

All the time!

That shit can kill you. My neighbor just went to the hospital. Doctor said it was her liver. Weed might be a better option. 10 states have legalized it's recreational use. I think Florida legalized it medically, even for mental issues.

[normiss 800]

Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

[motionscribe 0]

normiss

Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

But no hole in one. . .

[headoverheels 333]

normiss

Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

How was your game on the back nine?

[motionscribe 0]

headoverheels

***Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

How was your game on the back nine?

Shitty

[evilivan 0]

A priest, an imam and a rabbi were discussing how they divide up the collection between God's needs and their needs.

The priest says: "Well, I put the collection on a tray, and then throw it all up in the air. What lands on the try is for God, and the rest is for me."

The imam says: "I have a very similar method. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what I can catch I keep, and the rest is for God."

The rabbi says: "I also have a similar approach. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what God catches is for Him, and the rest is for me."

"If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
David Brent

[RonD1120 62]

Oh, I love that one.

Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

[RonD1120 62]

normiss

Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A song by Steven Phillips

Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.