religious joke of the day

[AtrusBatleth 0]

Pastor calls the kids up before sending them off to kids church and has some analogy he wants to tell them. He asks them what has a big furry tail, gathers nuts in the fall, climbs trees, etc. A kid finally raises his hand with a confused look on his face and says "well I know the answer is Jesus but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

Max Peck
What's the point of having top secret code names, fellas, if we ain't gonna use 'em?

[normiss 798]

Two nuns are cycling down a cobblestone street.
The first one says "I've never come this way before"
The second nun replies "Must be the cobblestones".

[jakee 1,489]

Two nuns in a bath, one asks "Where's the soap?" The other replies, "Oh, yes it does!"

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[normiss 798]

My wife had a good one today:

After seeing a sign in someone's yard that said "Jesus came for you"
She said to me, "I don't want to hear about his sex life! Why are christians so obsessed with sex???"

God I love her.

[normiss 798]

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
“I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously, “Did you?”
“I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”

[SethInMI 174]

jakee

Two nuns in a bath, one asks "Where's the soap?" The other replies, "Oh, yes it does!"

I had to google that one, I knew there was a masturbation joke in there somewhere, but I couldn't find the pun.

Explained:
"[Stop doing that. It] wears [down] the soap"
"Yes it does"

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[normiss 798]

What do you call a drunken Muslim?
Mohammered

[normiss 798]

Chuck Norris steps into a confession booth.
The Priest confesses his sins.

[normiss 798]

What is a Jehovah's witness' favorite band?
The Doors.

[normiss 798]

A well known TV Evangelists is checking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled"
The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

[motionscribe 0]

normiss

My wife had a good one today:

After seeing a sign in someone's yard that said "Jesus came for you"
She said to me, "I don't want to hear about his sex life! Why are christians so obsessed with sex???"

God I love her.

Wait, so you post a bunch of religious sex jokes, one of which was deleted for being too inappropriate even for this forum, and then your wife takes a relatively innocent comment and turns it into something about ejaculation, and Christians are the ones obsessed with sex???

Ya, that's a good one!

Just curious, do you stereotype other protected classes of people like that?

I wonder how many hypocrites in here would be offended if there was a black joke of the day thread, or a trans-sexual joke of the day thread. . .

[motionscribe 0]

SethInMI

***Two nuns in a bath, one asks "Where's the soap?" The other replies, "Oh, yes it does!"

I had to google that one, I knew there was a masturbation joke in there somewhere, but I couldn't find the pun.

The funny part is "Two nuns in a bath."

The rest of it's just a riddle.

[motionscribe 0]

normiss

Chuck Norris steps into a confession booth.
The Priest confesses his sins.

Ok, that one made me Chuckle.

[billvon 2,990]

Quote

Wait, so you post a bunch of religious sex jokes, one of which was deleted for being too inappropriate even for this forum, and then your wife takes a relatively innocent comment and turns it into something about ejaculation, and Christians are the ones obsessed with sex?

I went to a Catholic high school in New York. We'd have events and dances at nearby women's schools (and they would come to ours) - and I can confirm that the more religious the school, the more obsessed with sex they were.

[motionscribe 0]

billvon

I went to a Catholic high school in New York. We'd have events and dances at nearby women's schools (and they would come to ours) - and I can confirm that the more religious the school, the more obsessed with sex they were.

Good luck with the peer review on that one. Anecdotal stereotypes tend not to fare so well.

Maybe you can submit papers on angry black women and job-stealing mexicans while you're at it.

[billvon 2,990]

>Good luck with the peer review on that one. Anecdotal stereotypes tend not to fare so well.

Peer review on "who's more obsessed with sex?" Might as well try to peer review the statement "the Cowboys suck."

[ryoder 1,590]

billvon

>Good luck with the peer review on that one. Anecdotal stereotypes tend not to fare so well.

Peer review on "who's more obsessed with sex?" Might as well try to peer review the statement "the Cowboys suck."

There was a church-run college in my small, Midwestern hometown.
Bible classes were a mandatory part of the curriculum.
Over the years I became acquainted with people who had attended there;
Man, did I get some surprises about what went on among the students!!!

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[JerryBaumchen 1,354]

Hi Robert,

Quote

what went on among the students!!!

Ever since I was a teenager ( a couple of lifetimes ago ), I have heard that you get more sex from a church pew than from a bar stool.

Jerry Baumchen

[normiss 798]

Race and sexual identity are not choices.
Religious insanity is.

Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in!

[normiss 798]

My dad's advice to me when I left home having joined the Navy:
"If you want to get laid, go to church"
Never cared much for those I met on bar stools.
Again, dad was correct. My whole life the only times I saw dad in a church was for funerals.

The preacher's wife (once), and a few other ladies over the years, sure taught me a lot.
Nice people, they just enjoyed sex.
Like most normal people actually.

[motionscribe 0]

normiss

Race and sexual identity are not choices.
Religious insanity is.

People can choose their flavor of religion and how they practice it, just like gay people can choose their partners and whether or not to abstain from sexual activity. Some may say that bisexuals absolutely have a choice.

However, there is evidence suggesting that there are biological factors that predispose us toward faith.

This is really all beside the point tho. Religion needed to become a protected class for a reason. Today, that protection keeps all the religious bigots we see in forums like these from acting on their hatred.

[normiss 798]

You have an incorrect perspective on gay people.

I'd suggest research, but that would be equal to your throwing your god bullshit at me.

Religious freedom has existed as long as I've seen it's insanity, you're proving it here.
Judgemental much?

You've brought religion into my life.
Really? How?
Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

[billvon 2,990]

>People can choose their flavor of religion and how they practice it, just like gay people can
>choose their partners and whether or not to abstain from sexual activity.

Sure. But people can choose the flavor of their religion. They cannot choose the "flavor" of their sexual orientation, any more than they can choose the color of their skin or their race.

[normiss 798]

It always confuses me how the hardcore religious followers get this strange perspective, more so christians of course.
Their own jebus was from the middle east.
Impossible that dude was white.

They celebrate his possible return, yet block the border from those from that area, as well as that skin color.
They would prefer to put him in a cell.
To me it' like everything christian, entirely unbelievable.

[billvon 2,990]

At least one religious poster here has said that he separates those two things in his mind. Jesus's teachings? You talk about them in Scripture discussion groups and at church. In the real world? You grab what you can get your hands on, and shoot anyone who tries to get in the way of that. Bless their hearts.