religious joke of the day

[riggerrob 643]

http://Did you hear about the British woman who tried to sue the Natioanl Health Service. She claimed the NHS ruined her love life. She said that she used to sex with her husband - on a regular basis - until he had surgery at the local hospital.

Surgeons removed two things from his body: cataracts!

[normiss 843]

[SethInMI 174]

[gowlerk 2,245]

3 hours ago, SethInMI said:

That’s awesome!

[SethInMI 174]

couple of jokes told (re-told) by ricky gervais:

the setup joke:
On December 25th 1943, a German Commander walks into one of the barracks in Auschwitz and says, "I am full of the Christmas joys, and have decided to let you all go free!" As people start to line up to leave a guy in the back says, "hey wait, we don't celebrate Christmas"

the kicker:
A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven. Upon meeting god, the survivor tells god a Holocaust joke. Afterwards god says "That's not funny." The survivor responds, "Well, I guess you had to be there..."

[SethInMI 174]

[Coreece 190]

That reminds me of this:

 

Edited September 16, 2020 by Coreece

[SethInMI 174]

Physics question: 

Do Catholics have more mass than Protestants?

[headoverheels 333]

6 minutes ago, SethInMI said:

Physics question: 

Do Catholics have more mass than Protestants?

Yes, hence higher inertia.

[SethInMI 174]

[SethInMI 174]

[SethInMI 174]

I read the obit of Sean Kelly, the one-time editor of the National Lampoon and founder of Heavy Metal magazine. The rabbit hole I went down lead me to Son-O-God, the satirical comic series published occasionally in the Lampoon in the '70s. Fascinating to read, very funny, but also of its time. 

https://web.archive.org/web/20160310030108/http://dialbforblog.com/archives/417/index.html

[riggerrob 643]

15 hours ago, SethInMI said:

I read the obit of Sean Kelly, the one-time editor of the National Lampoon and founder of Heavy Metal magazine. The rabbit hole I went down lead me to Son-O-God, the satirical comic series published occasionally in the Lampoon in the '70s. Fascinating to read, very funny, but also of its time. 

https://web.archive.org/web/20160310030108/http://dialbforblog.com/archives/417/index.html

The English-language "Heavy Metal" illustrated magazine was preceded by a French-language magazine called "Metal hurlant" 

[SethInMI 174]

[Faicon9493 141]

There was these two preachers who were good friends and they would ride their bicycles to church every Sunday morning. Because of where they lived, and where their churches were located, they would pass each other along the way. One Sunday morning, one of the preachers was riding his bicycle to church and he saw the other preacher approaching, but the other preacher was walking.

They stopped to chat and he said, "Good morning, Reverend. Why aren't you riding your bicycle this morning? The other preacher said, "It really hurts me to say this but I think somebody at my church stole my bicycle." His friend said, "Let me tell you how to get it back. Before you begin your sermon this morning, read the Ten Commandments. When you say thou shalt not steal, the person who took your bicycle will feel so guilty, he'll give it back to you."

The following Sunday, the preacher is riding his bicycle to church and he sees his friend coming from the other direction, and his friend is riding his bicycle too. They stopped to chat and he said, "Good morning, Reverend. I see you found out who stole your bicycle." The other preacher said, "No, but when I said thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left it."

[SethInMI 174]

[billvon 3,059]

1 hour ago, SethInMI said:

And as one is about to win, the surprise is on him - that meteor above them is about to hit and end the era of the dinosaurs.

[murps2000 86]

Just now, billvon said:

And as one is about to win, the surprise is on him - that meteor above them is about to hit and end the era of the dinosaurs.

The era didn’t technically end. Some small dinosaurs survived and evolved into birds that are still with us today. Tablesaws survived as well and have evolved into many different varieties.

[Bigfalls 111]

My wife works part time at a winery.  Last night we went to a winery industry event for local winery owners and staff.  I was talking with a banker at a small local bank that had loaned start up money for a couple small local wineries.  I got to thinking it takes a lot of money to start a winery.  You have to buy a lot of acres of land, put in trellises, plant grape vines that won't produce for 3 to 5 years.  Then build a facility and equipment harvest, process and ferment the grapes then bottle the wine plus hire staff for the business.  I thought there must be a cheaper way and it came to me how to reduce the start up cost, overhead and staff expenses.  All I would need is bottling equipment.  It is important to hire the right wine maker and I thought of the right person.  I would hire Jesus as my wine maker because he can turn water into wine.

[SethInMI 174]

not really a swipe at religion, but I'll preserve the author's intent and drop this joke about language / slang in here:

 

[OrphanBlue 39]

Q: What's white and streaks across the sky?

A: The coming of the lord.

[johnhking1 97]

19 hours ago, OrphanBlue said:

Q: What's white and streaks across the sky?

A: The coming of the lord.

That's as bad as my jokes.

Why doesn't Santa have any kids.  He only comes once a year and that is down the chimney.

[SethInMI 174]

[SethInMI 174]

[Divalent 140]

At a conference of religious leaders, three of the most prominent individuals got into a discussion of which of them had the strongest faith and ability to convert the heathens. One was a Catholic Priest, one a Baptist Minister, and one a Jewish Rabbi.

As the night went on, and each one's claims became more fanciful, one of them claimed "I bet I could convert a bear." Rather than challenge the claim, the other two insisted they could convert a bear as easily as he. They decided they would make it a challenge, each would find and attempt to convert a bear the next weekend in Yellowstone National Park.

After that weekend, the Priest and the Minister happened to bump into each other at the local hospital, where each was making the rounds to visit patients from their particular denominations. "I did it!" claimed the Priest. "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion." The Priest did have a few scratches on him, but nothing bad.

The Minister also had a few small cuts and bruises, but nothing major. "I too succeeded in my efforts. I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."

The two of them rejoiced in their successes and were about to part ways when a couple of paramedics came rushing by with a gurney on their way to the emergency room. On the gurney was the Rabbi and he was a mess. He had cut and bite marks all over him and at least a dozen broken bones.

He was barely conscious, but was able to identify his colleagues as they followed alongside him. He gestured them close to his mouth and in a strained voice he said to them, "maybe I shouldn't have started with circumcision."