Tandem Master Jokes Or Lines For Students?

[Sin 0]

I'm posting this for a non-dropzone.com/non-internet savvy, veteran tandem instructor buddy of mine. I am a videographer and I jump with him all the time and he has asked me for ideas for some fresh material to use with the tandem students. Any suggestions for some jokes, lines, etc. for him to use with his tandem passengers to relax them and lighten up the mood. He's got a bunch of good ones but he needs something fresh. If you respond please indicate if you minded if someone else used your material. I'm sure there are some good ones out there. Thanks in advance.

Sin Seriously,
Sin
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy! PMS Groupie, Hispa #34

[usskydiver 0]

To chill them out about injuries, etc. I tell them "anything that happens to you, happens to me a tenth of a second later...and I love me!!"

Seems to work for me, feel free to use.

Tim T.
Team Paraclete

[Sin 0]

Quote

To chill them out about injuries, etc. I tell them "anything that happens to you, happens to me a tenth of a second later...and I love me!!"

Seems to work for me, feel free to use.

Tim T.
Team Paraclete

That's a good one. I've not heard our tandem masters use that one. Thanks!

Sin Seriously,
Sin
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy! PMS Groupie, Hispa #34

[Ron 10]

I tell them to never touch my hands...Because if they grab my hands I can't opporate the system and we both are gonna die...The only pleasure I will get in that situation is that they will die first, but I will not get much time to enjoy that fact.

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[BlueSBDeath 2]

We have told students that "NO, NO, NO" sounds like "GO, GO, GO" and "I don't want to go" sounds like "GERONIMO".

Of course there is the ever rude "Do you feel my belt buckle?"

Lets not forget: "Hey......how did I get here......the last thing I remember is falling asleep at the bar last night!!!"

Arvel

BSBD...........Its all about Respect,

USPA#-7062, FB-2197, Outlaw 499

[cpoxon 0]

Not mine, so I can't give you permission to use them but anyway. At UK dropzones, it is common to issue jumpsuits to students. One of the instructors at my dropzone always says, "they come in two sizes, too big and too small. And yes ladies, they do make your bum look big". Goes down quite well.

At another dropzone I've worked at, the instructor starts the briefing in front of the tandem rig and says, "I'd just like to start by saying that PLEASE, before you get on board the plane, make sure your instructor is wearing one of these!" :-)

Skydiving Fatalities - Cease not to learn 'til thou cease to live

[diablopilot 2]

I usualy start of by introducing myself and telling them this is the coolest job by far that the temp agency has sent me on yet!

They I play with a harness for a sec and look confused.

----------------------------------------------
You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.

[crutch 0]

I just tell them I will bite their ear off if they grab my hands in freefall.

As far as jokes, one of our videographers always ask me what time I need to back at the prison, since I am on the work release program.

Oh and that my hair use to be jet black, but the wind from the high speed of freefall has taken all of the color out of it. His baldness of course is because his didn't have quite as strong of roots.

blue skies,

art

[jimoke 0]

a videoman braggs about how good "joe" tandem master is.......
and says "why I would even let him take my mother"
followed by:
Of course,........... I am her beneficiary!


soft landings

The ground always, remembers where you are!

[Unstable 9]

Sometimes to Relax my students (I'm not a TM, just an I) I like to start them off this this great joke..Feel Free to use it!!!


Tandem Master: "Hey, I've got a great joke for you, it's a Knock-Knock Joke, but you have to start it!!"

Student: " Um, Okay... Knock-Knock....."

Tandem Master: "Who's There??!?!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.

..

.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.

Well, I thought it was funny....

=========Shaun ==========

[speedy 0]

A TM at our dropzone always explains to the students that he is not allowed to jump on his own and that's why he takes the students.

Dave

Fallschirmsport Marl

[cpoxon 0]

"Welcome to . We have some of the best, most experienced instructors in the country. Unfortunately, they are on holiday so you've got me!"

Skydiving Fatalities - Cease not to learn 'til thou cease to live

[Liemberg 0]

Quote

he is not allowed to jump on his own and that's why he takes the students

"If this goes well, next time I'm allowed to jump on my own..."

"Whoever in discussion adduces authority uses not intellect but memory." - Leonardo da Vinci
A thousand words...

[efs4ever 3]

I give them some gum and tell them when to pull it out and geek the camera with it. Give's em something to think about and looks strange on video.

Photo by Flying Arab

Russell M. Webb D 7014
Attorney at Law
713 385 5676
https://www.tdcparole.com

[skydiver30960 0]

(to tandem student) "If we get separated at any time during the dive, we'll just meet back at the hangar"

"If I do good on this tandem, they'll let me jump by myself next time."

At my old DZ they used to have a little "booklet" titled "Tandem Skydiving for DUMMIES". It was just a few 1/4 sheets of paper stapled together, with stuff written inside in big lettering like "DON'T DIE" and "AT SOME POINT, PULL SOMETHING" and "IF POSSIBLE, BRING STUDENT BACK WITH YOU". It was stuck in the ceiling of the Otter, and on the ride to altitude, instructors would pull out "the manual" and study it with scared looks on their face "Hey Jack, did you read this thing? We're supposed to do THAT?"

Elvisio "props (both kinds) rock" Rodriguez

[buzzfink 5]

Did you know your Instructors first jump ever was a night jump and a water jump????

He jumped with his eyes closed and wet his pants on the way down!

(I know, it's an old one)


Buzz

[Sin 0]

Quote

(to tandem student) "If we get separated at any time during the dive, we'll just meet back at the hangar"

"If I do good on this tandem, they'll let me jump by myself next time."

At my old DZ they used to have a little "booklet" titled "Tandem Skydiving for DUMMIES". It was just a few 1/4 sheets of paper stapled together, with stuff written inside in big lettering like "DON'T DIE" and "AT SOME POINT, PULL SOMETHING" and "IF POSSIBLE, BRING STUDENT BACK WITH YOU". It was stuck in the ceiling of the Otter, and on the ride to altitude, instructors would pull out "the manual" and study it with scared looks on their face "Hey Jack, did you read this thing? We're supposed to do THAT?"

Elvisio "props (both kinds) rock" Rodriguez

Some great stuff here! Thanks to everybody for the ideas! Got me crackin' up. Keep 'em comin' if ya got 'em! Thanks!

Sin Seriously,
Sin
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy! PMS Groupie, Hispa #34

[PhreeZone 20]

For props an old pill bottle that says "Viagra" on it works nice. Have TM pop a tictac as the videographer asks if thats his anti-psychotic meds. TM says he took the wrong one but it should be a good time anyways.

TM ask's another TM if he's got the rig on right as the rig is on backwards.

Have the TM walk up to the student and say "Hi! My name is Joe, I'm here for my first skydive, I was told you are my instructor". Reaction on that one is usually funny.

Brag about "Not loosing one yet this month"

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[FallingILweenie 0]

I was on a ride up once sitting right in front of a tandem and as they were about to hook the student up, the tandem master turns to him and goes

"OK decision time. We can either go together as we planned or you can jump first and i'll go after you, catch you and then hook you up."

the funniest thing was that the student really wanted to do the second option!

[JeffGordon 0]

After I adjust the harness on a tandem student, I ask "Now is that comfortable?"
If they say yes, I say
"Oh man, I musta screwed something up!"

[freakous 0]

Just who the hell is this tandem instructor? And why do they want to be funny this is serious business. Tandem instructors were meant to ferry the fresh meat not insult them. J/K, I am sure Uncle Festers new look will keep em coming back...

[tombuch 0]

I have always wanted my students to pull the ripcord, but try not to present it as a life or death issue for them. I tell them that if they don't pull the ripcord I will, but if they do, "...you can tell your friends and family that you saved your instructor's life..." It usually generates a smile.

Tom Buchanan
Instructor Emeritus
Comm Pilot MSEL,G
Author: JUMP! Skydiving Made Fun and Easy

[piisfish 140]

At our DZ an instructor wants to put on one of teh hooks this tab : PASSENGER EMERGENCY RELEASE SYSTEM

scissors beat paper, paper beat rock, rock beat wingsuit - KarlM

[crutch 0]

Quote

Tandem instructors were meant to ferry the fresh meat not insult them.

That's a good one!

blue skies,

art

[skybeergodd 0]

My Favorite line to use is when students ask me what the grippers are for on the jumps suits....My response is that they are called paramedic handles, because things go really wrong the paramedics can pick us up easily without having to get their hnds in the mess