Tandem Master Jokes Or Lines For Students?

[packerboy 3]

See that white puffy cloud over there? No, no not that one.. the big one to the left... got it?

Yeah, that's where they film the Philadelphia cream cheese commercials.

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In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. ~ Thomas Jefferson

[Fordy 0]

a guy who i do tandems with has a funny line during his pre jump brief, we have two parachutes, a main and a reserve, if something is wrong with the main, we pull one handle and its gone and we can use the reserve, however there are no guarantees, if you want a guarantee buy a toaster... always cracks me up

Fordy

[Laszloimage 0]

"I'm a pretty good TM-I, my success rate is 95% which qualifies for grade-A, if this one will go OK I'll reach 96%!"

[Peej 0]

One of my favourites is just part of one of my regular TM's briefings. During the briefings he tells the students how important it is that at no time during the skydive must they grb onto his hands, then he tells them that if they feel him chewing on their neck it's not cos he likes them, it's cos they have grabbed his hands and he is SCARED!

Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky

[tsalnukt 1]

If the students are really freaking out,(and really "cool")....I've heard people tell them right befor they get out....."just think of this like a b/j(oral)....you just relax and enjoy it and we'll take care of the rest"

Always gets a good laugh but you have to be careful.

[skydived19006 4]

A lot of what I do is routine, but I improvise too, and some of that works into the routine. We’re doing hand cam now, and we interview in the airplane (C182, on our knees, I reach around with both of our faces in frame) after hooking up, and ready to exit. I often end that interview with “Wish me luck!” Nice little bit of irony.

Martin

Experience is what you get when you thought you were going to get something else.

AC DZ

[lekstrom10k 0]

I always had fun with " For a dollar I'll tell you what you said going out the door ,for two bucks I wont tell anybody" If you promise and then dont pay I'll tell your friends you screamed like a little girl. It usually starts them off in a good mood even before you get in the plane.I am sometimes asked in the inflight" How are you doing Larry?" I will reply Who my names is Bob ,isnt this the bus to the Euchere tournament at the senior citizens hall. The camera guy will usually say OH OH he is in one of his many personalities, Hope he gets back to the skydiver one before you exit.Have fun I always did

[lekstrom10k 0]

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I always had fun with " For a dollar I'll tell you what you said going out the door ,for two bucks I wont tell anybody" If you promise and then dont pay I'll tell your friends you screamed like a little girl. It usually starts them off in a good mood even before you get in the plane.I am sometimes asked in the inflight" How are you doing Larry?" I will reply Who my names is Bob ,isnt this the bus to the Euchere tournament at the senior citizens hall. The camera guy will usually say OH OH he is in one of his many personalities, Hope he gets back to the skydiver one before you exit.Have fun I always did

I remembered one, I just did again this week end. After reviewing some previous posts about camera persons . When your passenger is being interviewed on the flight up pick invisible bugs around you and pretend to eat them.They never know until they see it at the DZ, or at home. Some of the reactions are priceless

[Abedy 0]

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After we land:

You now have more takeoffs than landings in an airplane, for the rest of your life.

Huhu, really good one. Haven't heard it before (though I guess it's quite an old one )

The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

[skydived19006 4]

I just mined this thread for a change in material. One I've been using quite a bit of late. "Are you nervous?" I'll then ask them to hold out their hands to see if they're steady. Then I stick one of my hands in front of the camera visibly shaking. Then reply "Steady as a rock, not like mine!" "That's just because you don't know what I know, But you're about to find out what I know!"

Martin

Experience is what you get when you thought you were going to get something else.

AC DZ

[rehmwa 2]

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I just mined this thread for a change in material. One I've been using quite a bit of late. "Are you nervous?" I'll then ask them to hold out their hands to see if they're steady. Then I stick one of my hands in front of the camera visibly shaking. Then reply "Steady as a rock, not like mine!" "That's just because you don't know what I know, But you're about to find out what I know!"

Martin

reminds me of Blazing Saddles -

hold out the calm right hand - "steady as a rock"
then hold out the shaking left hand - "but this is the hand I shoot with"

shoot/pull, the joke transfers

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[timgaines 0]

something I remember hearing a TM say to a well built (not fat) guy:

TM: Do you know why I get all the big guys??
Student: Why's that?
TM: I get first pick!


Something I have also heard said at tandem briefings:

TM: now when on the plane we are going to strap you up real tight, now any of you guy's who havn't been to a boarding school...this may be a bit of a shock!

[timmyfitz 0]

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TM: now when on the plane we are going to strap you up real tight, now any of you guy's who havn't been to a boarding school...this may be a bit of a shock!

Along those same line....... I heard a tandem master I knew many years ago, just before he was about to hook up to his male student.

TM-Have you ever been in prison?

Student-No.

TM-well, a lot of this is going to be new for you then.

[skydived19006 4]

Here's the long-short of it all. Call it a DZ.com take-away!

Martin

Experience is what you get when you thought you were going to get something else.

AC DZ

[joboulay 0]

Thanks Martin!

I jump, I live, I love. Ourson #1 Ordre des Ours Polaires Volants

[Grubber 0]

You could always ask the TM the line from the movie "Airplane":

"Nervous?"

TM: "Yeah"

"First time?"

TM: "No, I've been nervous before."

[riggerrob 643]

Be careful with the homophobic jokes.

There are too many of them wandering up and down Davie street!

Sorry, but that was an inside joke for Vancouverites.

[Morne 0]

We took 3 people for tandems this weekend , and after gearing up the TI walks past the other 2 people and say " If this work , Ill be back for you two"

[ryan_d_sucks 0]

I have seen where the TM tells the passenger "Ok, when we are under canopy I'm going to ask you three trivia questions." Once the canopy is out TM reminds the passenger of the questions, and asks something ludicrously difficult to answer. When the passenger gets it wrong TM replies "Strike 1" and loosens the lowers. Obviously it takes a certain kind of passenger to find this funny.

[IMGR2 0]

I'm too damn lazy to see if this one has been posted.

I as the cameraman tell the tandem student;

When the parachute opens you will feel a little jerk on your back.
Don't worry, thats just Joe.

[theonlyski 8]

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I have seen where the TM tells the passenger "Ok, when we are under canopy I'm going to ask you three trivia questions." Once the canopy is out TM reminds the passenger of the questions, and asks something ludicrously difficult to answer. When the passenger gets it wrong TM replies "Strike 1" and loosens the lowers. Obviously it takes a certain kind of passenger to find this funny.

a.k.a: Tandem Trivia

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[blkhwk91b 0]

If I'm solo, I always enjoy "accidentally" falling out of the plane while talking/looking at them.

"Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way." - Alan Watts

[StoryAtThree 0]

When I did my first tandem, one of the other jumpers in the plane looked at me and said: "You know, everyone is born with 2 natural fears: loud noises and falling." Then he just gives me a big smile. :D

[yeyo 1]

I dont find it too funy, but one of our TI's always throws this one...
During the briefing he is explaining all the procedures and everything that is gonna be happening, and when the deployment part comes he says:

"You gona be looking at your altimeter every 5-6 seconds. When you see we are around 5500' you are gonna reach with you right hand for my hip and you are gonna pull on this little golf ball. If you dont do it, I will do it. If you pull the ball and you hear me screaming, it means you are pulling on the wrong ball"

Passengers always get a laugh, and he does it with men and women of all ages.

HISPA #93
DS #419.5

[Earlybirdmel 0]

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Not an instructor, but wtf...

When I did my first tandem, my instructor asked me if this was my first time jumping. When I said yes, he said, "oh yeah? it's my second!"

Then in the plane when he was hookin me up he pretended one of the straps wouldn't reach, handed it to me, and said, "hold on to this, and DON'T DROP IT!"


suffice to say I laughed the entire time I was with him and I've jumped again and again and again...

I did my first jump two weeks ago and on the video you see Milko asking me how many have I done, to which he replys "it's my first also" which did make me laugh nerviously, then in the plane he pretended one of the attachments wasn't working properly ( he had the guy next to him in on this one so was very convincing :) and then he hid his altermeter in his helmet and asked me if I had picked it up! Needless to say I laughed nerviously the whole time but loved every second and will be jumping again and again! Not sure how gags about things being not right or going wrong work, but they did for me