Sassy

Go as a speedbump. I've done this one several times and it always cracks people up. Get yellow sweats or dye some yellow. Lay them flat, I usually do this on the driveway. Clean off a spare tire. I used a tire from a 4 wheelin Jeep that had a very aggressive thread. Put black paint on a good section of the tire. Roll the tire across the sweats in a couple of different directions. After first side dries, repeat on other side. When it's time to get ready. Put yellow face makeup on entire face. Put black face makeup on clean section of tire. Roll face across tire. One year I laughed so hard doing this I had black paint on my teeth. When anyone asks what you are, throw yourself down on the ground with arms at side and say "speedbump". They'll laugh. Have fun Sassy

Oh, that was just too cute. Made me laugh this morning, not an easy thing. Thanks Sassy

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?" ******************************* A camel and an elephant meet.The elephant asks the camel:Why do u have your breasts on your back?The camel replies:What a silly question coming from someone who has a dick on his face ******************************* A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab our clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed , grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only if it's raining."

They have a blow tube for that? WOW...I didn't even notice anything like that. These forums are great for learning Sassy

Sorry this is so long, just can’t get it any shorter My first and only jump so far was just 3 ½ short weeks ago. I was in California on business and decided to make my jump there where nobody knew me. I was not as nervous as I thought I would be, I had been reading posts here, talking to skydiving friends and visualizing the entire jump and I was ready. The TM practiced with me on the ground all the positions I would need to take. I had my own altimeter too. I was still pretty relaxed going to altitude. There were 3 other jumpers in the plane and on the way up they had the door open for a little while, just hanging out looking at everything. I was so amazed by that. One of them was even barefoot and I thought that was the coolest thing, to be that confident and relaxed. When it was time to get into position, the TM got everything all hooked up and we scooted towards the door. When we were in position at the door, he said 1, 2 and it felt just like the practice on the ground. All of a sudden I was like. “oh, we’re out”. I could not get enough of looking around at everything. At 6000’ he put my wrist in front of me and tapped my altimeter. The first thought that went thru my mind was “and your point is”. Then I remembered, “oh 5,500, time to pull” and went looking for the handle, but couldn’t find it so he had to pull. After we were under canopy, the TM told me he needed to make some adjustments on the harness and I was thinking, but what if he unhooks the wrong thing. Then he said he was going to do some different things and did a stall. He asked what I thought of that and I said cool, just don’t do it again. But I loved the turns and looking around at everything. I even remember feeling the temperature change as we were falling and it went from cool to warm. It was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced. And the feelings afterwards were so overwhelming I couldn’t think or talk straight for hours as I was trying to deal with it all. I did get drunk and cried and laughed a lot, I had never experienced all those emotions before and I’m not giving my weekend numbers out for that trip. That jump changed something in me and gave me the push I needed to make some changes in my life. I’m so excited about the future and as soon as I can, I’m JUMPING, moving on to AFF and beyond! Sassy

Sorry to hear that. Definitely no offense taken, to each his own. There are definitely bad travel agents out there and corporate agents tend to be the worse. They are just order takers for the most part and have no real interest in their clients. Alot of my clients have become some of the best friends I have since I have been doing their travel arrangements for many years. Sassy

I LOVE skydivers and I'll work hard for anyone who needs help. I have a clientbase of over 600 people that can vouch for that

Be careful with internet travel stuff. And I don't just say that because I own a travel agency. I can tell you horror stories of reservations and flights getting screwed up and even reservations not existing even though credit cards have been charged by these internet sites. I get calls almost daily from people wanting me to fix the mess and I can't. And people with tickets bought on the cheap internet sites are the ones that get reacommodated last if there are any problems such as flight cancellations or mechanicals. My clients know to call me from the airport instead of having to stand in a line to get these types of situations fixed. Try a local travel agency. They may charge a small fee on an airline ticket as most of us are doing since we no longer get paid by the airlines, but you'll know who you are dealing with and you'll know your schedule ahead of time. 98% of the time we can match or beat the internet. I, personally, watch my clients reservation for schedule changes and notify them of these changes in addition to other services. But at the same time if a client has found a really low fare on the internet that I can't touch I tell them to go for it. I'm all for people saving money just as long as they are aware that I can't help if there's a mess. I'm not totally sure of the rules in this forum and I don't want this to sound like advertising, but just want people to be careful and not have their vacation plans ruined. Sassy

I'm with you on this one. Sassy

Too late!!! Is there a 12 step program for this? As for multitasking......it's what I do best in several areas of my life.

Ok...I'm going to shut up now. You're going to get me in trouble here...LOL. But it could be fun, but no....LOL Aarrgggghh......I'm so confuzzed

Uh..yeah...I bet it would!!! Sassy

How am I supposed to get any work done with all of you talking?. Sheesh...I guess I could just take this site off my favorites list but that would be too easy. It's a good thing there's nobody to fire me. This place is great and so much fun. Good for getting me thru the day. Have a great day everyone!!! Sassy

Be glad..be very very glad Thanks for the laugh Sassy

Ooh..sounds good. I'll take some. No real cooking here until I get into my apartment this weekend and can buy some real groceries since the dork won't spend any money on food...LOL. Sassy

I'll agree....Winter Park is great. And while in the area look up a place called Beaujo's (think that's how it's spelled) for some awesome pizza. They sell it by the pound! There's one in Idaho Springs down the mountain from Winter Park. Sassy

(1) What does the average Texas A&M player get on his SATs? Drool. (2) What do you get when you put 8 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room? Grease her hips and push. (4) How do you get a Colorado graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. (5) Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. (6) Why is the Baylor football team like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest four years of an Oklahoma football player's life? His freshman year. (8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? None....That's a sophomore course. (9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....) (10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color? You can wear it for the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week. ******************************************* As a travel agency owner I really appreciate these..LOL Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel." The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: Part I ** I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. ** I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. **A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the Vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state." **I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, But they look so close on the map." ** Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." **A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! **A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. **A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" **I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." **A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." **A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." ** A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent wass at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal! ******************************************** Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back." 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them were really that serious." 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew." 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Amen to this advice. My son is 23 and is finally becoming human again. From 18 to now has been tough. I've had to some "tough love" things. But he's growing up. Get tough, hang in there but get tough. Sassy

Well Riddler, I'm divorcing the engineer with the big salary, homeowner, new cars, 401k, stable, yada yada...BUT..he has forgotten how to LIVE in pursuit of those things. I simply can't take it anymore, I'm about to die in this exsistance. I must get out while I still have chance for life. That's why you're getting laid more these days, you're living and I bet it shows

Nope, I'm not asking for half, I can't. I signed a prenup because I was stupid enough to believe that it would last. I will be asking for what is fair since all of my money these past 12 years have gone into our household. Why should I walk away with nothing and leave him with 2 cars, the house, property that we were going to build on and all the rest. I just need a car and what ever the court determines is fair. Oh and I don't get mad...I just get even..J/K

I am so glad to see someone else say that about money!!! It's the primary reason I going thru a separation and divorce right now. He's so totally freaked out about money it's not funny anymore. We have ceased to have a life because "it costs too much money". It got to the point that going anywhere in the car or doing anything together became unbearable because that's all he wanted to talk about, his money. There was nothing else left to talk about. And heaven forbid I try to spend money on skydiving. Was not going to happen. But I'm going to LIVE now!!! I may not ever have the money he does but I'll have friends, family and an awesome life while he's counting his pennies alone. Sassy

OMG!!! That is bad, but wait..it vibrates??? Hhhmm.....and I'm gonna be single? Sassy

WOW.....hope you're ok now. Reading this post really gave me a heads up. With the stress in my life right now I better start eating and sleeping here pretty quick. Weight dropping off pretty fast, but I don't recommend this diet . I definitely don't want to experience this Sassy

OH HUSH!!!! At least you are packing to go somewhere

Gotta get my own. But that's ok.....not walking away with nothing. I'm not going to get ugly but not empty handed either. Besides, I need skydiving money. I've only done one tandem but I must continue and SOON!! Sassy