dp1l

Once over the hill, you pick up speed. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

A good urban legend from Zimbabwe! After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days

DTOXX - ROFLMAO - I couldn't have described it better!

Are they actually cats? I thought they were in a separate category - hyaenidae, not felines.

Thanks a lot, erno! I will try to look for it on the web. Have fun! P

Good morning How are you all this morning? Unproductive and slightly boring weekend, but I feel revitalised for the week! Does anyone know if the search facility is working properly? I am trying to find that picture of the fat elvis impersonator (a guy at work was doing an elvis song at a karaoke bar, and I want to send it to him), and I can't find it! Nice sunny, not too cold day in London - took the train / bus in to work this morning, so I avoided the stress of the tube! Nice start to a very busy week!

I just opened this link in four differnet windows!!! Get them all singing at once - good for a laugh!

At this rate we won't turn 1500!

Y is everyone so quiet today?

ausopen.ppt

Good morning everyone In cricket I support two teams - Zim and anyone playing against England. Soccer and Rugby, I am leaning towards supporting England!

ROFLMAO

English Ndebele (not quite fluent) Afrikaans (not quite fluent) I can greet you in many African languages, and unfortunately, I know how to insult you in many european and african languages.

A plane is on its way to Houston when a in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The replies "I'm , I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The replies, "I'm , I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's ? I'll handle this. I'm married to a . I speak ." He goes back to the , whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston

What is a tru brit?

Any good online "creative" travel agents?

I think the postmen are out to get me The mail systems around the world have lost; my passport vital textbooks, (which meant I couldn't write vital exams) A new phone Plane tickets on two separate occasions Train tickets. That's all within the last year, and mainly within the last three months!

THE FLY The fresh smell of manure wafted from the inside of a barn. It caught the nose of a very hungry fly and in a second the fly went through the barn’s open door and sat himself on top of a big, steamy horse dropping. It was so tasty, the fly kept eating until he was ready to burst. He decided to leave, but because he was so full, when he flapped his little wings, he went nowhere. The fly looked around the barn, trying to figure out how he’d be able to get out of there. He finally spied a pitchfork standing up against a wall and he thought if he could walk to the top of the pitchfork, he could use it as a launch pad and surely be able to fly away. It was an arduous walk, but the fly removed himself from the dungpile, walked across the floor to the pitchfork, then slowly made his way to the top. He flapped his wings, then pushed off his body. But alas, he was still too heavy and fell to the floor and splattered when he landed. The Moral of the Story: Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of shit!!

CIRCLE FLIES An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

A Farmer goes to the Vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there." The Farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The Vet says, "What happened?" The Farmer says, "The horse blew first."

what has happened to the daily funnies? They seem to have disappeared since this thread started.

ja - I can just see big pixels

Now how do I explain that this spreadsheet is so funny? I'm sure she's a really nice person, deep down.

Ok - just don't nudge it too hard. I want to keep February - there are only four weeks between feb and March's paydays! If you sped up the earth's daily rotation, touldn't that make the days shorter? This might be good to help decimalise them, but all this together would make us age faster!