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Am I in the wrong forum? I thought this was The Bonfire. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Damn Bitch is two-timing me. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Oh Oh pick me. I missed out on the Hot Sex at Rantoul. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

When she was in prison? P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Really? I'll have to try them. Do you remember stashing a box of tampons in Seth's car like 2-3 years ago? Hey! I was drunk! Another thing with monthly maintenance is do you use panty liners? I rarely wear thongs, but I had to once, and I used the thong panty liner. They're really nice as well! Yeah, I always wear a panty liner when I wear a thong too. Yeah, right. HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Once upon a time, they lived happily ever after. The end. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the wrong hands can be lethal in some cases. My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes............... Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent) that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think hey ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back. -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Let's see. Jim Pat JimPat Patrick Airmail Pancho Blue Hey Asshole P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Hey Mono Uno! I'm a day late, but I hope you had a great B-day. Next time I see you I'll tell you my secret to long life. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

EXCELLENT !!! Sign me up !! Oh, and BTW, good luck my friend. It must be hard to walk with the balls it took to make THAT decision. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

I think Acme is a good brand. It's the one Wiley Coyote always chooses. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Given at my wedding (many years agp). Here's to it and to it again. If you ever get to it and you don't do it. Here's hoping you never get to it to do it again. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

:4:1 1 POPs DZ record - 0 point solo FF skydive. Woohoo. Watch out World FF Team. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Marana Frontier Perris Eloy Crosskeys WFFC at Rantoul P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

C180 C182 Twin Otter Porter Casa Super Otter Skyvan King Air C-130 Caravan Pitts Biplane Sikorsky S58 helicopter B-17 bomber PAC 750 XL Some other helicopter P- Edit: Forgot one. -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

What is this "sex" thing you speak of? P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

God I love it when you talk like that. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Porno Pixie. Were you tweaking his nipples in that picture? I'm shocked...shocked I say!!! P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Just wash it with Tequila. It'll feel much better. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Oh look, something shiney. I like your hat. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

No worries Lisa, I'm drinking a first class made from scratch margarita for you right now. Do you feel better yet? P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

What the hell are you doing kissing my mother? Well, my Rodriguez mother. Ok, Ok. I am a bastard love child so maybe you are my father. Hi Dad. Oh that's right. The canopy nazi guy is my dad. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Looks like the tree crushed your pot plant too. Oh, maybe that is a tomato plant. Kinda hard to see in the photo. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

Maybe you should take them some jello shots to say thank you. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342

How about the "Rebuild the Florida Skydiving Industry" fund. Might wanna wait to start until at least after Ivan though. What the hell does Ivan have to do with this. Is it a repost already??? What? Ivan is a storm?? Nevermind. P- -- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Postal Rodriguez, Muff 3342