Subject: How to poop at work This will crack you up
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell
is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your
pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with>
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as
the other bathroom attendees.
