WOW! are you inside your own head or what! I can totally relate! At night as I'm drifting off to sleep, I have these shock-you-awake flashes of myself as I go into the drilling for oil mode.
But there's good news for you, not only was my first jump a flash that I still can't quite recall, what the group is saying is quite accurate. As a paramedic I can tell you that your brain is capabale of causing a myaid of negativity.
The solution is in you, you simply must find it, you have to find the one thing that will motivate you to get into the door and then out of it.
Here's mine, I see people die on a weekly basis. Lying in a hospital bed or in their homes, cancer, lung diseases, a heart so weak that they can't roll themselves over, maybe it's a gunshot or a traffic collision, the point is they keep dying, sometimes we make a diffrence but 99% of the people I see would live or die regardless if we were there or not. It doesn't matter if their rich or poor, black, white, yellow or green. They all die. My time is coming too, so is yours. I don't want mine to be in that hospital bed with a hole in the front of my belly where my crap drains out, I want to go out in a blaze of glory. And if it happens to be the hospital bed. Then at least I'll have the sweet memories of falling head first at 200 miles per hour, and taking in all of gods creation along the way. It's not a death wish. It's a life wish.
Maybe that one will work for you, maybe it won't. I don't know you, but I feel like your more one of "US" than one of "THEM." So go find what works for you and then come and play...we'll be here waiting Skydiving: It's like dodge ball, with a really big ball...