nimbus

Michele, you've inspired me! skydreams... skydreams... ... the sky beckons, a miracle of blue. Birds call my name. I am hunted. Hunted by stars and wings and clouds. An infinity of space unfolds around me, and all the rockets in all their orbits race me to the moon. I wrap myself around the sun. Beyond the silence, a heart beats in the sky. just the musings of a space cadet... skydiving is the most inspiring, exhilarating and fulfilling thing I have ever done. I've had dreams about flying since I was little, and can't really believe I can do this thing that comes so close. I had never even thought of skydiving until I met a new friend who introduced me to it. It has woken me up. It is like magic. It opens up the universe and makes me feel both small and large. I love the sky and everything about it... I love what lies beyond it... the infinite stretches of space, the birth of stars, the wheels of galaxies. Four years ago my long-term boyfriend died and my life turned on an axis and was never the same. This new me is the skydiving me and wants to embrace life and not cower from it. I know Nigel would be both amazed at and proud of me. I feel the same way! Last time I went to my dz I couldn't get in the plane as panic seized me and pushed me into the ground. The support and encouragement I got from other skydivers (at my dz and here) has already half lifted me back to the sky... now I just have to get Buffy help me kick those Door Demons out of the way and let me soar again! Beyond the infinite.... larissa p.s. some writers who inspire with words on flying, humanity and the universe: Antoine de Saint-Expury, Ray Bradbury, Walt Whitman...

I've just begun to jump - Lvl one April 22 2001, lvl two 17 June... I'm up to lvl three and am having real trouble controlling my fear of jumping out the door. My first try at Lvl 2 I didn't get out of the plane.... and now last weekend when I tried Lvl 3 I couldn't even get in the plane... I clambered up the steps and started crawling over to my JM who was about one person out from behind the pilot's seat... the plane was packed - we have a Cessna Caravan that can take 17, and I think it was a full load - and just looking in there I felt claustrophobic and panicked, my body & mind seized up and I looked around at all the expectant faces (most of them smiling at me) and said "Can I chicken out now?" Most laughed (not uproariously, just in a kind of understanding way), and I said "no, really"... my JMs kept telling me I could do it, just relax, I knew I could do it etc.... but I just said "Sorry" and swung back to the door feeling so folorn and stupid I almost started crying. Well I did shed one or two tears later when I had walked away from the dz building to look at a field of some agricultural product that was bright green and dancing in the breeze, but just one or two... You give me so much inspiration with your tales, especially going back to re-do Lvl 3 after your mal. All I had was line twists on my Lvl 2, which I corrected automatically, no panic in my mind, in fact I almost enjoyed seeing them as I remember thinking "Oh! line twists! I know what to do about that!" and just did it, but to keep going after having a mal so early like you did is truly fantastic. I'm so pleased your 2nd attempt turned out well, with a stand-up landing and a beautiful canopy that became your friend and helped you down. I just keep thinking of how much I love the canopy ride, how peaceful it is up there, how I feel like a feather or a cloud and how the ground twirls beneath you and everything in your life draws together and melts away and you're just left with yourself and you know you can trust that self and you know how glorious life truly is. I think that's what skydiving is teaching me - to trust myself. When you have that trust in yourself you know you will still be okay even if bad things happen in life (I mean all of life, not just skydiving!), you will still keep your own centre of gravity even if everything is spiralling out of control around you. This is such a journey for me and I know I will get there and then keep going as now I've been up in that big blue sky I just want to be there again. So congratulations on passing Lvl 3 and keep believing in yourself. I'm amazed at how supportive and open-hearted most skydivers are. The genuine emotional responses to your posts are heart-warming. After I had chickened out of my jump last Sunday, people came up to me and spoke to me about it, telling me not to worry, that if I wanted to do this I would find a way, telling me they'd all been scared at some point, and sometimes still were, pointing out that if I was uncertain I made the right decision to not jump and that when I was ready I would know. And I believe this. I will know in my heart when I make my fear a friend and not an enemy and I will feel that the sky is welcoming me. Well done and all the best Michele.

Hi Michele.... I posted in your last entry about your second jump with the tale of how I chickened out of my second jump by cowering behind the pilot's seat saying "No I can't do this".... I had looked out the door too soon I think and all I saw was freaking cloud and grey-white and noisy wind and I thought "There's no f#@king way I'm going out there!"... then I was mad with myself the whole way down and went back the next weekend and up again feeling not as nervous, and having decided to not look out the door this time until the "Head Out!" part of the exit count, waddled over to the door, sandwiched by the two JMs, then sat there doing nothing with, according to those who could see it, a look of terror on my face... I had started thinking of 'out there'... thinking of being scared, so I stopped myself thinking and finished the exit count and stepped out into the sweet nothingness... and I was fine (in my mind if not in my arch!)... and then I landed and turned into wobbly jelly girl and melted onto the soft dirt and then rolled over because I'd forgotten to collapse the canopy properly and it pulled me back and I did a face plant in the dirt! and then I couldn't stop laughing until one of my JMs came over to pull me up! The absolute hardest thing for me to conquer is getting out the door... I've decided to think of the sky as my friend, a big welcoming entity... I know I can remember what I need to do, I just need to make the decision to go out that door! As my JM said, skydiving is 90% mind stuff, 10% physical... so maybe try some creative visualisation, meditation, yoga, tai chi... things that meld mind & body so that you can make your body do what your mind wants to do... good luck with Lvl 3& 4, I'll be attempting mine this coming weekend! :-)

Also see Pi The Movie, by the same director as Requiem for a dream... also pretty intense... and if you can catch 2001: A Space Odyssey on a huge screen (for 70mm prints) it's amazing... maybe the most perfect movie ever made..

Hi Michele (and everyone!).... I'm new too and thought I'd tell the story of my second (non!) jump. I did Lvl One AFF about 7 weeks ago, not being able to go back sooner due to weather, work etc... finally went up to the dz last weekend. The weather was no good for students (winter has just begun here...) so I did a lot of revision with the instructors which was great. I decided to stay the night in case the weather was better the next day. We got a wake-up call around 8.30am and everyone popped out of bed for the first load. The sky was completely cloud-covered so I didn't think I'd be jumping that day either. I had some coffee & toast and did a bit more revision, my instructors were happy with my drills & arch etc... and before I knew it I'd been manifested for the first load! So I got ready... the red jumpsuit that made me look like a clown, into the harness, everything checked, ready to go. Except I felt really, really nervous. I know this is normal, but I hadn't felt this nervous before my first jump. All the way up to altitude I tried to imagine myself jumping, and I just couldn't do it. I took deep breaths and concentrated, but I just couldn't see myself jumping out the door. I watched everyone else go until it was just me, my two jumpmasters and one other guy. I took my goggles off and told my jms I just couldn't do it. I felt so disappointed in myself, and felt bad for the jm who didn't get to jump but had to ride back down with me. Everyone was really cool about it and said as I hadn't felt 100% confident, I'd made the right decision to not jump, but obviously I can't not jump every time I go up! I don't know what happened... I really wanted to jump, and I really want to continue with this sport, but I just didn't feel ready at that particular moment. It turns out my instincts may have been helping me as everyone on that load had an off dz landing, on the other side of a lake that's next to the dz. I suppose it would have been a good experience for me to have an off dz landing, especially as there would have been plenty of people to follow down, but it also may have made me more nervous. Do many people just freeze like this at some stage? I feel confident again and I know this is something I can do.... does anyone have any suggested techniques for overcoming that moment of fear at getting out the door? I felt that fear at the door on my first jump but once I was out I was fine, it's just that moment of exit I'm having problems with. Anyway, good luck Michele and I'm hoping to get through Lvl Two next weekend. :) "He thought only of heavens, skies, horizons, infinities, by night or day, lit by star, moon, or sun, cloudy or clear, but always it was skies and heavens and horizons that ran ahead of you for ever when you soared." 'Uncle Einar', Ray Bradbury

I have flying dreams all the time & have had ever since I was little. Sometimes I need a big run up to take off but they're always fences & trees in the way. Sometimes I'm swooping through the sky being chased (usually in these I'm a good witch being chased by a bad one!). Once I flew along the coast of Africa. Once I flew hand-in-hand with my boyfriend who had just died (died for real) over Melbourne (where we lived). I used to have at least 1 flying dream a week but now I only have skydiving dreams. I kind of miss the others where I'm just flying on my own powers, but the skydiving dreams actually give me a lot of confidence.