I'm launching this thread again because I'm still trying to come to grips with what happened to me recently on my first ever AAF jump. It has taken me some time to decide to write about it because I still feel highly embarrassed about my actions. Read and you will understand... (And sorry if I do not always get the terminology right, I’m a total newbie and english is not my native language)
After the plane took off I initially felt very nervous but as we were gaining altitude my nervousness started to disappear gradually. My instructors were very nice guys who put me at ease.
When the moment came, I jumped out without hesitating, something that I had feared not being capable of in the weeks before although I must say that I didn’t worry as much about it anymore once I had received my training. In the days between the training and the actual jump I had mentally pictured this moment what seems to me hundreds of times. It was exhilarating the moment I actually did it.
Being in freefall for the first time ever is pretty impressive (woohoo!). I started doing the exercises we had been taught immediately. Arching, altimeter check, 2nd instructor check, 1st instructor check, reaching three times for the ripcord (with a little help), arching again, alti, 2nd, 1st, everything fine. All the while feeling something like “Woooooooooooooooooow. Greeeeeeeeeeeeat” And then my 1st instructor began making signs to me which didn’t register at all with me. I knew that I had learned those signs, was supposed to know what they meant but suddenly I was without a clue and the weird thing was: I didn’t even care! (Instructor told me later, you looked at me and you just smiled without any other reaction at all).
To cut it short, he had to pull for me. So there I was suddenly beneath a big canopy, feeling kind of dazed but still finding the whole experience enjoyable. I automatically checked if the canopy was alright. I looked up, unstowed the toggles, flared 3 times, looked up again. I can still mentally picture it now, I was looking up at a perfectly normal canopy and for one reason or another I couldn’t get it into my head that this was a normal, perfect opening. My eyes saw a good canopy but my brain didn’t register it. I remember worrying about the slider (which, as I visually remember, was however right where it is supposed to be). All this time I was not even panicking, not even scared, just slightly worried. This to me makes it even more incomprehensible what I did next. I remember more or less thinking: “Ok, something is not quite right, time to execute emergency procedures before it is too late.” In the days leading up to the jump I had repeated many times the “look, reach, look, pull, reach, pull” in my head as some kind of safety mantra and that is exactly what I started doing, still feeling very calm but weirdly detached.
I never got to the last “reach, pull”. Because I was still holding the steering toggles my hands flew up immediately after cutting away my main and there I was like some demented stunt woman, still with my cut away main over my head, holding on to it with my hands (until now I have told this to one person only because I feel so immensely and monumentally stupid)! Still in my calm, detached mode I realised slowly (took me something between 5-10 secs I guess) what had happened and at that moment I let go. The main flew away allowing the RSL to pull out my reserve and I happily floated back to earth, finding my way back to the landing site and with the radio help of my instructor I managed a not too bad landing (which indicates that I was not ‘out of it’).
Boy, did I feel stupid when people started to ask me what happened up there! For one thing I couldn’t explain it at all. The instructors told me that my main had opened correctly and going over the mental pictures of the moments I was looking up at my main canopy, I could only agree with them. I told people that I was freaked out but in reality I wasn’t. I remember feeling calm but detached and I never for a moment felt in danger up there.
Just after the event I was more upset over having made a glorious fool of myself in front of the people of the DZ. I felt very very silly and embarassed. Not that anybody gave me a bad feeling but hey, I knew anyway that I had done something ‘outrageous’. People were nice to me but still, I would like to have left immediately but my boyfriend was to jump right after me. As expected, he did well!
In the days after, I kept running over and over what happened and I can’t get it out of my head because it has really really hit me that besides stupid, it is first and foremost dangerous what I did. I cut away a perfectly good canopy not knowing if my reserve would open well. (I’m thinking of going back to shake the hands of the guy who packed it and give him a quality bottle of his favourite drink, as soon as I’ll find out what it is.)
To make matters worse, I cut away without realizing that my hands were still holding the toggles (cringe) and hate to think about how it would have ended if they had become entangled in them, if I had been unable to free them or if I would have been able to disentangle myself but at an altitude to low for the reserve to open etc etc.
Reading this post, I think that I probably experienced some kind of sensory overload although I was never ‘out of it’, fully conscious and calm the whole time or so I believe. As a contributing factor, I should also mention my lack of good sleep lately. Don’t beat me up over jumping with a lack of sleep, I didn’t know how bad it was because I ‘sleep’ 7-8 hours a night and until the incident used to being mentally tired all the time in a way that I didn’t even realize anymore that that was what I was. Tired for lack of deep sleep. Anyway, I’ve seen a doctor now and there is probably something wrong with my sleep cycle because I’m doing the right amount of hours but never feel rested waking up. (I know I’m making a loooooong story out of it but I feel like I have to justify myself ) What happened with me up there has been a real wake up call.
What I would like to ask now: do you think that I did experience some kind of sensory overload? Does all this indicate that I’m not skydiving material? I would like to continue the AFF course because regardless of the scary bits, I loooooved being up there. Really loved it! Big grin! (As soon as I’ll have tackled this sleeping problem I want to skydive again. And this time, I will perform my jump properly.)
Secondly, do you think they will still accept me at the DZ? I’m talking about the AFF course in the first place but more generally speaking I also wonder if I will not be forever ‘that girl that cut away a good main’. Will people suppose automatically that I’m foolish and not too bright? You can be honest. Any feedback on my experience is welcome, thank you.
