Farflung

377, I’ve tried to attach pictures of my leg straps but I’m thwarted by the doers of chaos on the interwebs. Every time I attempt to do the most fundamental investigation into parachutes I’m thrown into some sort of weird and freaky fifth dimension by the Google search function. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5akEgsZSfhg I don’t think I’ll make it to see the end…. Strength fading fast…. Must reach ‘Post Reply’ button…. Arghhh… (cough…. cough)…. Feeling as if my essence has been taken…. Try and save yourself…. Can’t last much longkskhstrfeos/*9(……. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl8e_8cTKgI

I was on the Google homepage (because that’s what hunky people do) and was deeply engaged in some research on a surplus NB-6 rig I was wearing in my garage. Well I couldn’t get my leg straps to hold any tension and the webbing would simply slide freely through the hardware. Now I’m on the Google page to research and typed as far as “Why won’t my para….” when the search suggestion application told me all I needed to know about DB Cooper and his minions. I can’t even complete some simple research without the government placing millions of ‘bots’ which hinder what must be my encroachment on the one true answer. Whatever you do, you must not attempt this search lest you become another target for the FBI. It is better that they only know about me. Being heroic and dauntless come at a very steep price and I’m no stranger to dauntlessnessly heroics.

Kenny’s former home could be the set for filming the remake to “God’s Little Acre” called, “Gilligan’s Little Bonanza”. Set in the front woods of the less affluent part of Washington State, during the Great Recession of 2011 is a print shop with an unspeakable past. The latest owner tells the same story as another woman who he has NEVER met, which of course makes it true. Equally strange since he was never a firsthand witness to the story and this information should be considered as nothing more than hearsay, but this is the Cooper thread soooo..... He is wicked convinced that there is Cooper money buried all over the property and tells just about anyone this tale. He is so convinced that he has never used a shovel, trowel or even a pointed stick to probe the ground out of respect for logic and reason. Later a trio of self proclaimed investigators enter the print shop to search for the buried treasure. Tina Louise could reprise her role as Griselda with Lindsay Lohan performing as Will Thompson in a sort of ‘All the Kings Men’ meets ‘Mud Honey’ lesbian composite. Of course the Albino (played by Michael Landon) constantly digging for the treasure would be best represented by Grace Jones. Wow, so far this is a superb treatment. Then Grace Jones decides the best place to look for buried treasure is in the attic…… so she bolts. This is where Griselda and Lindsay decide to invest their time checking the stock room for evidence but the door slams shut trapping them in that hot, cramped room. Meanwhile, Grace is entering through the only access to the attic on the gable end of the house. As she writhes into the space she notices several pieces of paper, which are the home plans drawn in Crayon and signed by an architect named Tommy, who makes his ‘Y’s backwards. “Ugh” seethes Grace as she glances back at the imponderable design element and says “at least one mystery can be solved”. Back inside Griselda and Lindsay are locked in an embrace of forbidden love which they share since there is no telling how long they may be trapped in that small, print shop, store room, Jacuzzi. Now Grace has found a rough hewn piece of fir and lifts it through several feet of insulation (suspension of disbelief here) to discover something golden glinting in the secret cavity. She slowly pulls the treasure into the single shaft of light from that Luddite entrance and reveals the treasure to be nothing more than a rusty trombone. Fade to black….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qswm7lHp7oY

Now that the prerequisites for understanding the one true answer to the Cooper hijacking have been laid we can pick up with 58. Johnny Ray who was rumored to be having an affair with Dorothy Kilgallen. Even though he was long suspected of having homosexual leanings because of multiple arrests for soliciting men for sexual favors, imagine that. 59. I can’t question his taste in women; Dorothy could make talking on a phone look 60. oddly exotic while 61. innocently posing next to some airstairs she still radiated 62. that mystique from ‘What’s My Line?’ where she mastered wearing a mask. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75wJ7ACDXiE 63. She appeared sophisticated in public while no doubt exhibiting 64. a more sultry side in private, when combined with 65. that wasp waisted physique left little for the imagination. 66. She possessed traits which were equally frightening 67. and exciting that could be represented 68. on an aircraft or 69. for aircraft companies which said 70. on your knees slave and worship the Dorothy you lowly little worm. 71. I guess I’m just trying to say I kinda think Dorothy was sorta cute, that’s all. 72. Back to Johnnie Ray who had long quit singing in favor of 73. other pursuits. 74. Then ten years after the Cooper hijacking Hollywood 75. decided to make a movie about Johnnie Ray and Dorothy Kilgallen. 76. Johnnie Ray would be portrayed by 77. David Bowie which was good since he resembled Johnnie and 78. would be able to mitigate those bi-sexual rumors. 79. But how did Johnnie feel about this and who would play Dorothy? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51pjQe2umJ8&feature=related 80. You heard right. 81. For like the 9,000th time this person was selected to play 82. smart, sweet and sensual Dorothy Kilgallen. Yeah right, Hollywood thought our suspension of disbelief would be so unlimited that Dorothy could be portrayed by the single biggest 83. Boner-Nuke since 84. I can’t remember. 85. Who wanted to hear this? 86. Remember the last Shirley MacLaine movie you watched? 87. Do you? 88. She couldn’t care less about 89. you the audience and isn’t worried about 90. what you say either. 91. Well here’s to you Shirley Cooper, drink up because when you 92. lay your head to sleep you will no doubt dream about 93. all that you have done. 94. You know how you make the rest of us feel, 95. starting with your unchecked rage against Marilyn Monroe, Angie Dickinson and anyone in their association. For it was not a government conspiracy but a ‘lack of judgment duplicity’ where the very gullibility of delusional paranoids with a self proclaimed existence of sitting at the table of Damocles was leveraged for all it was worth. But the charade is over now as all of the data has been revealed and the conclusion is irrefutable. 96. The identity of DB Cooper can finally be confirmed and certified.

Well the 60’s were certainly a dangerous time for a certain group of people who shared information, struggles for power and bodily fluids in an endeavor to improve our lives. But 1971 has arrived with a scant three survivors from that sinister filtration. 26. Those include, 27. Johnnie Ray and the equally sexually ambiguous 28. Roswell Aliens along with the Senator from Massachusetts 29. Ted Kennedy who had rededicated his life to 30. public service. 31. All of that would change when some unknown person managed to fool the entire government by pulling one of the most hare brained stunts and get away Scot free. This would serve as inspiration for a third Kennedy to ascend the political ladder in a bid for the Office of the President. Except that Ted forgot that no one knew who Cooper was and the fact that no one was killed during the hijacking of 305. Fortunately there were challenges that would be far more fulfilling than being president. 32. Like taking your nephew out for a little 34. male bonding where men of great accomplishment can toast their station in life with some libations and perhaps 35. some alleged acts of rape on the beach. 32. So the nephew calls 33. Uncle Ted who immediately 34a. puts a plan in action but forgets what that plan is and calls 36. his attorney who crafts the perfect 37. defense which lifts 38. another burden off of Ted’s shoulders so he can get back to 39. being an awesome senator. At least until 40. another relative brings some news that he too has been accused of killing a woman. 41. This event distracts Ted again forcing him to 42. craft the most cunning defense in his legal career. After a few kamikazes’, boiler makers, shots of Jaeger, Long Island Iced Teas, Hurricanes, Salted Margaritas, Unsalted Margaritas, Blended Margaritas, Margaritas on the Rocks and some single malt Scotch; I was able to see the genius in his defense. 43. Michael was just minding his own business in a tree which just happened to be on the Moxley’s property and facing Martha’s bedroom window. Once perched way high up in that tree he became extremely excited about his manly man adventure and did what anyone would have done lest they cast the first load. While Michael was in deep introspection in this high class neighborhood there was some less than honorable activities about to take place in the Moxley home. 44. Some stranger who was probably not very wealthy broke into the Skakel home and stole a golf club then snuck over to Martha’s house and killed her with what most killers choose as a weapon. Just like all golf club killers 45. he carried the body out of the home and across the expansive; estate sized lawn and then placed her on the very spot where Michael had just finished celebrating, twice. So you can see it is all just a misunderstanding about something that everyone on the jury could easily relate to. 46. Not this jury apparently. You would think out of twelve, that one of the former tree squatting self pleasers would have said to themselves ‘there but for the grace of god…’ but no. 47. Ted reminds the country that an innocent man is going to jail and 48. he returns to being a senator with even more gusto. 49. Putting in many late hours till exhaustion has him watching his 70 inch, HD TV with a rerun of the 50. ‘Anna Nicole Show’ which Ted somehow interprets as 51. the ghost of Marilyn Monroe mocking him. 52. Fresh from the sting of the Skakel trial, Ted decided to use 53. the super secret government people to make sure that Anna Monroe… whatever… 54. would be found in bed dead from an overdose of pills. 55. When informed that Anna Nicole just wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe but was NOT the same person; a nonplused Ted said he was 56. only thinking about getting back to his legislative duties. 57. Thus leaving the last remnant of the pre Cooper era as a glaring beacon pointing precisely to who DB Cooper is. There is no argument about the validity of the path taken to this point. All the facts are documented, certified and re-verified by organizations foreign and domestic. There simply is no room left for speculation or ambiguity. Next DB Cooper will be revealed with the same devastating logic which has no fear of the profound implications which lay on the near horizon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc-P8oDuS0Q

Since I’m the sole voice of logic and hunkyness, I felt it was time to produce the quintessential pedigree of this DB Cooper saga once and for all. It is of a complex nature but is entirely sourced and attributed so that others may validate the information. I believe this is a first for the thread. Without the benefit of any background how can one comprehend the present situation? For those who benefit from a graphic representation along with textual be sure to open the attached file, let’s begin: 1. A pleasant November day in a convertible. 2. Everyone enjoyed the fashionable hot pink, pill box hat. 3. JFK shared everything with his younger brother, 4. RFK to include their desire to get inside 5. The White House where Marilyn Monroe had visited. 6. Marilyn is seen with Dorothy Kilgallen as they loved to share secrets and gossip. 7. JFK told Marilyn to keep quiet, 8. Marilyn said “Over my dead body.” 9. She was discovered dead from an overdose of pills. 10. Dorothy Kilgallen went on to fame as a panelist on ‘What’s My Line?’ She was also a published expert on three related subjects. 11. a. That Dr. Sam Sheppard was innocent of killing his wife (the first one that is) and his present wife who he married in prison had a sister, 12. That also married a Doctor, 12a. Dr. Joseph Goebbels who coincidently, 13. Died of a drug overdose which is double witchy since his wife, 13a. did the same thing. The second subject Dorothy had a passion for were, 11b. UFOs. That’s right, she said they needed to be investigated rather than covered up just like her third area of expertise, 11c. the fact that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone. She did this all the while carrying on a torrid affair with Johnny Ray while promoting his act in Las Vegas and what did she get for her sacrifices? 14. Here is the last televised image of Dorothy which was broadcast a few hours before she was discovered dead in bed from, yeah you got it, 15. an overdose of pills. Next the younger brother (RFK) enters a campaign for the Presidency and is killed while cameras snapped and rolled producing yet more evidence of how impossible it is for someone to orchestrate such a deed. Thus leaving a few survivors to ponder their collective futures. 16. Johnny Ray was shocked to hear of Dorothy’s ‘death’ and continued to deny any affair with Kilgallen in spite of his multiple arrests for soliciting men in public restrooms in Detroit. After all he was married so that proves he was not gay or bi. Johnnie Ray was also portrayed as nearly deaf but that can’t be true because he was a singer (helloooooooooo). 18. Johnny Ray finds other pursuits. 17. Sam Sheppard divorced his NAZI wife and began to, 18a. ‘Practice Medicine’ until he accidentally killed a couple patients then transitioned to 19. Professional wrestling but continued to 20. study medicine until he was found 21. dead from an overdose of studying. 22. Enter another Kennedy political hopeful, 23. In a rare moment of poor judgment, Ted leaves the scene of an accident and swims for help on an opposite shore. After taking a nap and changing clothes and buying a newspaper and having a robust breakfast he decides it is time to call his attorney. 24. Fortunately he was able to find medical assistance for his injuries. 25. Ted returns to his legislative duties to the American people. Next: steps 26 – 57 where it starts to congeal and get weird a little bit.

Plus Americans have a rich heritage of keeping and covering up secrets.

I don’t think people are blabbing secrets or necessarily suffering from the effects of senility as much as it is a continuation of a life lived in oblivious ignorance and blissful self importance. Yes, history repeats because it is entirely polluted with insecure humans. Special Agents who audit surgeries performed on people with security clearances in case they talk? Really? Reeeallllllllly??? So how does this play out exactly? If the ‘patient’ starts to talk about when the deep purple falls, over sleepy garden walls and the stars begin to twinkle; in the night. Does the agent deliver a chop to the patient’s throat and tell the medical staff to never speak of what just happened? Or would the Men In Black conspire and fabricate some other impossibly unlikely use for those careless words uttered while they in an induced sleep? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY0DBrTPHFM What would happen if one of these super secret people got into a car accident and put under without proper notification of the Secret Agent Man? Perhaps all emergency rooms are staffed with such an agent for just this occasion. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-NBoUF7eAc Sage advice indeed, “be careful what you say or you’ll give yourself away”; makes me shudder just to think of the unimaginable pressure these people must be under. This must be true as two functioning adults have clearly created and propagated this ‘known fact’. I just hope there is something better waiting beyond the blue horizon. Since I’m not a glass half empty sort of guy no more than being a half full type. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSrYIfMMoRw

That’s right, I’ve taken the plunge and joined the ranks of ‘Print On Demand’ delusionals and obtained a Lightning Source account along with a dozen ISBNs and UPCs. Yeah you got it, in spite of the economy and Borders’ going Tango Uniform I’ve bravely started Farflung’s Sophisticated Book Publishing For People Who Don’t Suck Or Read. Editing is already complete and this will be offered in hardback only so generations can enjoy this tome for many decades to come. There is no Kindle edition because there is some Byzantine requirement for a word and page count being greater than zero, so I bravely rebuked that product line while maintaining my integrity. I realize this book has nothing to do with DB Cooper, but neither has any other so where is the foul here? Expect a mid to late November (read 25th) release and feel free to leave any glowing, positive or impossibly exuberant reviews of my opus magnum premier.

Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1, Or would this have been more apropos? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4uTEEOJlM

Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1 + Orange1, Consider this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vummKd6VF4

So what exactly were Kenny and Bernie doing at Paradise Point Park along that riverbank? Just poking around in the wilds of the PNW and being all butch and manly man perhaps? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gLN3QoN-q8 Now not every manly weekend has to involve pigs or state parks. Sometimes guys just enjoy getting together and talking about football and going all the way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCqcMOB6STc&feature=related I dare say I don’t have the foggiest idea why Bernie would stay so tight lipped about what he was doing on Thanksgiving Eve. If only there was some sort of answer to why a man would leave his wife and then be at a loss for words about all his ins and outs for that period of time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEHesuSxLmQ What exactly were they doing in Paradise ‘by the AIrstream Lights’ Point Park? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR-34j5cWy4 Here you go Bernie. Do you see what happens? Do you Bernie? See what happens when you spend Thanksgiving weekend in an Airstream Bernie? Well this is what happens when you ignore you ex-wife Bernie. Are you watching Bernie? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ApgdIQisic Their actions being anything other than executing a hijacking would be inconceivable.

Perhaps this will aid as a bit of time travel. I just give and give. What do any of us really know about what life was like for the Stewardesses and what possible technique could be used to ‘readjust’ their mindset or recall what things were like in the 70’s? What were their dreams, goals and how did they view life? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Y_wxd7th5Y Was there some coded message or hidden meaning? When he said “that says a lot OK”, then she gets all attitudy and fires back with “That doesn’t say a damn thing”. From their lips to this thread the exact dialog has found new life and endless replays.

Since Cooper was described as having NO accent, one can safely exclude anyone that originates from Minnesota, or should I have said Minn- ah- soo- dah? Yah sure. When Cooper was handed that Mogambo bag of money did he exclaim, uff da? Oh fer stupid, he did no such thing. Proving that Cooper could not have been from that part of the country and all these ‘investigators’ should have noticed that something was starting to smell lutefisky. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7_RRwmt50Q Should others have picked up on this linguistic nuance? Ya, you betcha.

I was just checking my own Cooper Quotient (aka CQ) and was surprised at how DB Coopery I appear. I know, how about a list of reasons why I may be DB Cooper? 1. Male 2. Painfully familiar with operating cargo doors, airstairs, hatches and bomb bays (bonus items here). 3. Thousands of hours of professional flight experience. 4. Thousands of hours in a parachute. 5. Trained in jungle, desert, water and alpine survival. 6. Owns sunglasses 7. Owns a sissy, little cosmetics case and calls it a ‘Flight Bag’ to overcompensate for a Munchkin winky. 8. Intimate with airline operations. 9. Vast knowledge of aircraft systems and things with blinking lights. 10. Encyclopedic knowledge of aircrew parachute rigs. 11. Complained about low wages. 12. Employee of commercial aircraft manufacturer. 13. Drinks bourbon. 14. Likes to pass Flight Attendants notes. 15. Pays cash for things and uses twenties as primary currency. 16. No accent. 17. Was a Boy Scout and knows how to tie wicked good knots from parachute line. 18. Understands Victor Airways and how to calculate time over target. 19. I knew using the interphone to communicate directly with the pilot would betray my hunkyness so used notes instead. 20. Let everyone off the plane except the crew and the hottest Stewardess (helloooooooo). 21. No ex-wives to piss off or turn me in. 22. Never brags about wealth or money nor displays either. 23. Knows where to lurk free of detection, in airport jetways then board the aircraft last. 24. I can’t prove where I was on either 24 or 25 November 1971. 25. Have owned and used paper bags of various volumes. 26. I cut and cross- pasted fragments of the serial numbers on all of the ransom money. None of the numbers matched but all other checks for counterfeiting passed and the bills were easily accepted (HA!). 27. No one has ever suspected me as DB Cooper. 28. Know what flap setting to demand. 29. Familiar with counting One Mississippi, Two Mississippi. 30. Spent extended periods of time in aircraft lavatories (if you know what I mean and I think you do). 31. I have a collection of DB Cooper articles and clippings. 32. Trained in spoofing radar and had the ultimate Heath-kit work bench. 33. Speak Oregonian fluently. 34. Chaffed the 106s while preparing to jump knowing the Herc would get credit for the Talley on 305. 35. Pay cash for ‘legal immigrants’ to manicure my lawn, knowing the money will be absorbed south of the border. Well, there you have it. Pretty damning evidence in the form of a long ass list of some items best described as completely true and innocuous. Yet using traditional wisdom from this thread, I must be DB Cooper.

There is a distinct aroma of Madoff-esque score weighting and bland delusion going on where probabilities are tallied as an aggregate rather than a mean score. Lemme give ya an example, show whatta mean. Favorite and only (continue to deny you have tunnel vision here) suspect was: A man – 2 points Brown Eyes- 5 points Heterochromia iridium – 15 points Colored contacts – 25 points (after all this was 1971 and those were rare) Worked for Northwest – 20 points Worked for Boeing – 20 points Had little money – 20 points Was bald, wore a toupee or had copious hair – 20 points Owned a raincoat in Seattle – 5 points Was secretive and would not tell everything he knew (oh brother) – 10 points No documentation to whereabouts on 24/25 Nov 1971 – 25 points Never spoke of the hijacking – 5 points Smoked – 2 points Smoked Raleigh’s – 10 points Has someone else claim he smoked Raleigh’s – 20 points Has matching DNA – irrelevant Drank bourbon – 5 points Drank mimosas – 75 points Owned a Towncraft tie – 25 points Hid things that no one would know about – 5 points Now every suspect can be accurately weighted against this certified list of things with dire and significant value. The suspect with the highest cumulative score is clearly DB Cooper and all other suggestions will be dropped. After all, this has been the very technique favored by all the self proclaimed experts and should be quickly accepted and used since they also feel the need to declare how they are only interested in the truth. And I’ve always believed people who say they're honest. I just wait for those people who tell me they are crooks, liars and social rejects then I expose them and avoid contact. Everyone should do this as it is a nice way to get things done. Always get the testimony certified. I learnt this on jury duty where witnesses’ took an oath to tell the truth or be punished to the fullest extent of the law. When the suspect denied robbing the bank under oath in this certified courtroom it was obvious that I had to vote not guilty. Gosh people, is it really this hard? Now eleven of the other jurors said I was batshit crazy but the court disagreed because they listened to me, the sole voice of reason and released him that day. Just another example of the power of logic.

So gas is like four bucks a gallon and I was wondering if there was any analogous representation in the automotive industry to this thread. You know a combination of technology and an impossibly complex design with a goal of appearing to do something extremely significant? I would want something loud with repetitive systems that consume resources as fast as possible while advancing very little, if ever. Of course nothing of the kind could exist since other people with various skills would supply feedback in order to prevent such a freakish idea from being produced. Still I have to wonder what the thing would look like if someone could become that isolated or oblivious while being completely free of any logic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTDr7ut5ERA&feature=related

What would the Master Neighborhood look like? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUzs5dlLrm0 Yes indeed, the weekend Squire (read 377) comes out to mow the lawn. Sound like paradise. Rows of houses that are all the same, and no one seems to care. From Mickey’s lips to the HOAs ears. See Mrs. Grey (code for smokin99) is proud today because she’s lounging at the lake. Happy now smokin99, enjoy your leisure activities while leaving the rest of your subdivision behind to suffer glancing at your overdeveloped dichondra? Well you both better get in step and learn to follow the ‘Unwritten Rules’ so generously passed to you via passive aggressive and well rehearsed speech structure. Try to imagine being great for a change. Join in and be part of one HOA, one approved color of beige and the same tastefully elegant height of lawn.

The subject of Smokejumpers is gaining some momentum and appears to be gobbling up some lore at the same time. How unique for this thread. Those individuals killed in Mann Gulch were an exceptional microcosm of the American population to say the least. None of them were ne’er do well ‘Barflys’ or individuals that were casually selected. Many were veterans from WWII and nine of them were college graduates or college students with several studying forestry. These guys all appear to have had the ‘Right Stuff’. History is typically recorded in a binary fashion with dates and a couple names along with the general cause. I suppose this is already too much for most to digest and future versions will be even more condensed. After all, how many are guilty of crying the question “What does this have to do with (fill in the blank)?” Don’t wait for the translation, just answer… Yes or No! So there was this group of people that were called to rid the planet of NAZIs and they succeeded on 8 May 1945. The end. Just kidding, but that is how it has been treated historically. After years of grinding training and practice the entire system was expected to go back to working at the Piggly Wiggly or selling insurance in a single step. Delusional to say the least. There were a couple programs that had unintentionally served as a transition back to civil life. The first program was the 52-20 Club, where all veterans were given $20 per week, for 52 weeks while they looked for civilian employment. Of the veterans who I have spoken with who enrolled in the 52-20, all of them said they took exactly 52 weeks to find a job or select a college. My kinda guys. Many said they took advantage of the leather flight gear and ‘Crusher’ hats and used them along with newly purchased motorcycles to ride formation across the country they just got through defending, while trying to relate to people who worried about neighbor’s lawns being too long. At least they were able to socialize with like minded for a brief time. The second program was the GI Bill where veterans could attend college. This was another good exercise for the brain and left three months available to work during what is now called summer vacation (what are we evolving into?) at tasks which included Smoke Jumping. It was after this lengthy process that many veterans were able to assimilate into the bland, repetitive slow death that most of us like to portray as dangerous and exciting vocations which include software migration management and extruded polymer sales. Pullleeeeassse.

I remember how I was going to drink my way into aerospace just like the astronauts did with Tang. Sure it was odd tasting and was colored with some sort of mild carcinogen but that was OK because it was the same beverage the space dudes were drinking so…… bottoms up! Then comes that pesky information stream called college, work and life experiences that felt like putting on a wet bathing suit when I learned about the selection process of Tang. Apparently there aren’t any bathrooms in the space capsules or on the moon. Additionally, there was a dire need to conserve weight and space (weird considering where they were) by every means imaginable. Like recycling ‘water’ in some Rube Goldberg device that to this day, no one can explain. The output was water which the astronauts described as especially metallic and difficult to consume. The solution was some light powdered flavoring agent that would make the ‘space water’ less offensive in spite of the source hence the use of Tang. Well I still managed to drink my way into aerospace after putting away childish things like Tang and deciding it was better to be Beamed (Jim that is) up. I just wish the guy advertising the stuff had been a little more forthcoming in the selection of the product. Ultimately I was able to indulge my space fantasy, the inventors made some bucks and I have this new knowledge set to spend the balance of my life trying to erase. Who’s the victim here?

Be it comic books on Shemya, ‘Left Handed’ tie clasps or Jet A fuel freezing in ‘Vapor Lock’ the air continues to collect an acrid cloud of bias, avoidance and ignore it and it will go awayness. Presumably for the simple reason that it works. Sort of. Once a tale fails the simplest of smell tests it is time to move on statistically. Allowing for one modification after another will end in some sort of preposterous conclusion akin to those that facilitated the distribution of Thalidomide. Yes, I realize that is medical research and not historical but the process is the same if not the outcome from following deeply flawed structures. Those being the lack of cross checks and validation, because they are viewed as a hindrance to obtaining a foregone conclusion. Now is the time to introduce ‘Cooper-ramA’ as yet another layer of filtration to the already fine mesh system that has produced: visual verification of a person jumping from the aft stairs, flare tossing, Cooper chatting with the pilot, Boeing 737 development in 1961, below the horizon LOS comms interception, beach debris pedigrees, care and use of Airstream products, landing gear as spoilers, target spotting via nothing, airmanship through incompetence, lack of savings from those working on Shemya for five years, an accomplice accepting a 0/100 percent split of a ransom and jump qualified welders. Whew, sure was lucky that this was caught before things got weird or perhaps even some credibility was slightly marred or even dented.

377 pondered: “You’ve strayed from lesbians and nuns though. Is there a reason?” I suppose one may consider the introduction of a re-education program today as a reason along with serving as a blazingly incontrovertible testament to the fact, that nuns and lesbians remain firmly fixed as an offset aim point in my personal bomb run of compassion and caring. I just give and give. It is a program officially called “Ten I’s to See” or better known in a ‘Silicon Valley-esque’ version of 10-IC. This voluntary process begins with the induction of individuals (read hot nuns) to this revolutionary concept. This may be too complex for some to comprehend which is why I’m the only faculty member and also why I selected a remote location away from the distraction of phones, roads and several vague laws. In celebration of the Ten I’s, I have declared today’s date be changed from the first to the Eye of April. Beware the Eye of April.

I’m a pattern recognition kinda guy and not the most ‘book learned smart’ person you are likely to meet. Therefore I tuned into what I thought was a common theme the reviewers mentioned about the ‘DB Cooper’ book. Now perhaps this is an ‘in depth’ (you can’t overuse that phrase) study from an objective source with some research and writing skills where the primary subject is DB Cooper. I just didn’t get that from reading the reviews anymore than I got the feeling that anyone is going to be ‘endorsed’ as the ‘World’s Tallest Midget’ regarding a Cooper solution. Nope, but then; I could be wrong.

When the ‘Dude’ wanted to know what the ‘Man’ was doing to find those that violated his ’73 Ford Torino, he was offered these encouraging words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9CynvMlFyo&feature=related Now they don’t teach this in school, but sometimes a crime gets wicked low priorities. That is why one can often observe some guberment lackey’s talking head on the flat screen jabbering about ‘finite resources’ like they invented the phrase. Attention Earth: All resources are finite. Or when asked about a suspect like Michael Skakel, they will throw down the ‘presumption of innocence’ card before rolling out the devastatingly brilliant and still unique “Masturbating in a Tree” defense. So with the above to guide my expectations in life, the thought that Cooper’s potential DNA may languish in some file cabinet is not all that vexing.

Now that we are painfully aware (kinda) of how the mere mention of a Dan Cooper comic book spawned a micro industry of investigation and intrigue; could this happen again? No not Dan Cooper but some equally eccentric, absurd and socially crippling subject which may still be glistening from the dark recess from which it was plucked. Given enough time all subjects gain some momentum like Kennedy assassination conspiracies where the theorists don’t have a clue about the end game of their own creation. OK it was the government that snuffed him, now what? (insert long pause with unblinking stare here) For instance: On 19 Dec 2008, snowmman published what he called a ‘whacked out theory’ as far as filtering good information about Cooper informants by making them answer the following: “Who was at the 1962 Seattle World’s Fair and rode the Bubbleator?” And - “Do you remember how the operator was dressed like Flash Gordon?” In just over two years the Bubbleator is the index for fixing Sheridan Peterson even deeper into Cooper lore as a Bubbleator Operator which carried none other than Elvis Presley. This fair was opened by none other than JFK so now most bases are covered. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6ecS-xFfvE You saw it starting at 4:36, the Bubbleator doing things they could only dream about regarding ‘Century 21’ where we are so much more sophisticated now and stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t5na44D0Dw Can you imagine the time wasted with dialing a phone? Almost makes sending smoke signals with a damp, small pox infected blanket seem efficient. Stupid people from the 60’s. Back then I used to waste several seconds dialing a phone every week or so, now I have ‘unlimited and constant’ access to texting, Twitters, chat, PM’s, SMS, Facebook, email and voicemail. Well I can certainly attest to being the master of this tech…. hold on…. Someone likes my last Facebook post and….. gave me a thumbs up. I’ve got to Twitter this information….. while doing price comparisons… on Beanie Baby collections on eBay… BRB… yeah, in your face ‘SpoogeTanic69’ cos I got the highest bid for that autographed picture of Randy Mantooth in the last second and was the WINNER. BTW, FTW. Did anyone notice if Dan Cooper was in or around the Bubbleator?