Divalent

A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Studies have shown that women who gain seven or more pounds over the holidays have a longer life expectancy… …than the men who point it out.

But the DB Cooper folks haven't missed a beat, lol!

my neighbor with the big boobs is mowing the lawn naked again. I wish his wife would do the same sometimes

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

So this thread still lives?

Well, I try again. This site is getting extremely slow, so probably getting close.

[In case it bugs off a day early]

A handsome man in a suit approached a young woman at a bar and asked if he could buy her a drink. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends.” He looked downcast, "No, we broke up just over a month ago." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said. “OK then, I'll have a white wine please." One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss & a cuddle they headed off back to her place for some wild uninhibited sex. While he was getting dressed, she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" “My wife found out,” he answered.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, "Of course not! Why would we choose YOU?"

I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner. My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.

I only have two requests for when I die: 1) I want my remains scattered around Disneyland, and 2) I don't want to be cremated.

Cathy: "I've got a wicked sore throat." Anna: "Whenever I have a sore throat, I give my husband a wonderful blow job and I'm cured straight away." Cathy: "Really?" Anna: "Try it and you'll see that I'm right." The next day they meet again. Anna: "So, did my advice work?" Cathy: "It worked! And your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

What do you call a dog with no hind legs with steel balls? ... ... Sparky

Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vet's, talking about why they are there. The first one, a chihuahua, says "I'm the world's greatest barker. I bark at everything. Non stop. You name it, I bark at it. My owner thinks if vet cuts my balls off I'll stop barking, so here I am." The second one, a labrador, says "I'm the world's greatest digger. I can dig holes in anything. My backyard looks like the surface of the moon. But I went too far and dug a hole in the floor. My owner thinks if the vet cuts my balls off, I'll stop digging. So here I am." The third one, a great dane, says "I'm the world's greatest humper. I hump everything. The couch. The chairs. Lamp posts. But this morning my owner bent down to pick something up and I couldn't resist, I jumped on and started humping her." "Oh," said the chihuahua. "So she wants to have your balls cut off too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."