Divalent

John: "My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday." Eddie: "Mike? Since when has Mike been your best friend?" John: "Since yesterday."

An old lady goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here"/ The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week. The next week the old lady comes back and says "Doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!" The doc says "Great! We’ve cleared up your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!"

I came home today to find my kids have been on EBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow I will have to lower the price.

Jack and his wife plan a safari to Africa. Because his mother-in-law had never been to that part of the world, his wife begged him to include her on the trip. Despite his misgivings, Jack relented. The trip goes quite well and all three are having a good time, enjoying all the sights and all the wild animals. One morning, Jack and his wife wake up to discover her mother not there. Concerned, they go out and start looking for her. Walking along the trail, they come to a clearing only to find the mother-in-law face to face with a very large lion. Jack's wife is very afraid. She says : "Jack, do something! Do something!" Jack looks the situation over carefully and ponders for a few moments. "Nope" he says, "That lion got himself into that predicament, he can get himself out."

Panties aren’t the best thing in the world ... but they’re close to it.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.

A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the wife’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her they couldn’t graft any skin from her own body because she was too skinny. Her husband lovingly offered to donate some of his skin. However, the only suitable area to do the whole job was from his large buttocks. But it was a rather embarrassing situation, so they both agreed to keep that detail a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word. After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the woman's transformation. She looked more radiant than ever! Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting her fresh, youthful face. One day, deeply moved, she said to her husband, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?" He smiled and replied, "My love, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

You know you're old when... You Google search "memory loss" and are surprised to find that all of the links have already been clicked.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book seemingly forever? - Church

I went to my doctor with a strange set of symptoms. He said: "I can’t determine the cause with certainty, but it would be best if you reduced your alcohol consumption and we’ll see if it improves." I said: "I got a better idea: how about if I increase it, and see if it gets worse?"

My high school was so outdated that we used the same car for Drivers Ed and Sex Ed!

Two blond guys ring the bell of a brothel. The Madam opens the door. -- What do you want? -- What can we get for five dollars? -- For five dollars you can jerk each other off in those bushes over there. She shuts the door. A 15 minutes later the bell rang again. The Madam opens the door. It's the same two blond guys: -- Who do we pay?

Adam says to God, "I'm lonesome." God says, "I have just the thing for you--a beautiful creature who will: love you take care of you, keep you happy, never judge you, agree with everything you want, and never utter a cross word." Adam says, "Wow, that sounds great! But what'll it cost me?" God says, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam blanches. He thinks for a minute, then asks, "What can I get for a rib?"

Mains can be packed by: 1. A rigger, OR 2. A person working under the supervision of a rigger, OR 3. The person who will jump that rig. (Ownership is not relevant). Military might be different, but in the sports world, there isn't a packing card for the main. (That would be pointless, time consuming paperwork: a rig might get jumped thousands of times during it's lifetime.)

My girlfriend's dad is still mad at me because I took her virginity. I don't know why he won't let it go; I promised him that it won't happen again!