Divalent

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you’re pregnant." Woman: "Oh my God, I’m pregnant?" Doctor: "No. It just looks like you are."

A longshoreman was at a convention in Las Vegas. He decided to visit one of the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she told him. Somewhat offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the next brothel, the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the madam informed him. "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam. She instead gestured to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, and said: "But Ethel here has seniority."

Tuesday is Open Mike night at the amateur autopsy club!

Good news! I just received notification of my new job at the post office. I start last week!

A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk for four D-cell batteries. The clerk wagged his fingers beckoning the woman and said, "Come this way." The lady replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D-cell batteries".

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

12 years ago today, my friend Dave came out running and screamed "It's a BOY!, it's a BOY!" with tears streaming down his face... We never went back to Thailand again.

I just found out that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. Bummer.

I am demi-asexual. I have to know a woman for a while before I won’t sleep with them.

A couple were making mad passionate love when there came the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. The woman said, "Oh no. My husband. Go hide in the closet!" About halfway into the closet, the guy suddenly stopped for a moment and said, "Wait just a minute! I am your husband! ... I have a few questions for you." The woman replied, "And seems I have a few for you, too."

Any motorcycle will last you a lifetime ... if you ride it fast enough.

A rich lawyer was driving along in his stretch limo when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he rolled down the window and called to the man: “Why are you eating grass?” “Because, sir,” he replied, “we don’t have enough money for proper food.” “Come with me, then,” said the lawyer. “But sir, I have a wife and seven children.” “Even better! Bring them all along.” The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo. “Sir, you are too kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering a new home to total strangers?” “No, you don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “The grass at my mansion is two feet high."

Three ladies are in the locker room at their club's gym, dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly a man runs into their room wearing a sheet that covers him completely except for his penis sticking out through a hole. He did a little dance in front of them, then ran off. Lady 1: "I wonder if that was my husband." Lady 2: "Definitely not your husband, nor mine either." Lady 3: "Yes, he's not even a member of this club."

A man is in his home office watching porn on his PC when his wife walks in and he quickly switches to golf videos. She tosses him the day's mail that just arrived, and as she leaves she says to her husband. "Switch back to the porn; you already know how to play golf."

A young couple was having difficulty getting pregnant, despite desparately wanting a child. Three years in a row she miscarried, and her doctor said each one was due to some developmental deformity. They decided to use the power of positive thinking on their next attempt: praying every night for a perfect child, telling each other every day that this one will be just absolutely perfect, imagining life with a perfect child, etc. Lo and behold, she made it to the 9th month, and then delivered her child! Her doctor said, as he caught the child, "Well, it appears you have given birth to a 8 lb 5 oz eyeball." Mother: "An eyeball? An EYEBALL?! Oh no! Could this ever be worse?" Doctor: "Yes. It's blind"