Divalent

My wife is the most suspicious person I know. If I come home early, she suspects I want sex. And if I come home late, she suspects I’ve already had it.

Well, apparently not exclusively a guy thing. The article actually has a photo of a woman groping her, lol.

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit. So I announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out who all my relatives are.

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island, stranded alone for over ten years surviving, on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks his eyes trying to figure out if he’s dreaming. When he refocuses it’s like a scene from a movie: the woman has taken off her mask and is shaking out long hair, water droplets glinting in the afternoon sunlight. He can tell she’s stunning. He sits there as she walks across the sand dropping her scuba gear as she goes. She stops standing in front him, drops her dive bag, and says, "been here long mister?" He can only nod his head while he looks for his voice. She laughs and asks, "you smoke?" He nods again and she unzips the dive bag and pulls out a couple of cigars and a lighter. She pops them in her mouth and lights them both before handing one over to him. They smoke together in silence while he drinks in her beauty. A few minutes later she asks, "you drink?" He nods again, still mute, and she reaches into her dive bag and removes a bottle of 20 year old scotch and two glasses. She pours a couple fingers of scotch in each and hands one to him before replacing the bottle of scotch and setting the dive bag aside. She sways seductively while humming as they drink the scotch together. When both glasses are empty she smiles and takes his glass, setting both aside on the ground. Standing up she starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit and asks suggestively, "Do you want to play around?" The man stands up breathing heavily, eyes following the slowly descending zipper. He stutters, eyes wide as he finally finds his long unused voice and says, "You mean to tell me you’ve got golf clubs too?"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck and a half, Deer nuts are under a buck.

Doctor: "Mr Smith, I’ve got your results, and we need to talk about them. But before we start, you should know ..." Mr Smith: "Doc, can you get to the point? I don’t have all day." Doctor: "Oh, so apparently someone already told you!"

A kid: "Mom, was I adopted?" Mom: "Yes, but it didn’t work out, so they made us take you back"

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

A doctor just finished up performing a physical on a patient. Doctor: "Your biggest problem under your control is that you are obese" The patient got defensive, and said to him: "Look, my sister is obese. My brother is obese. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My kids are obese. My grandparents are all obese. Obesity runs in my family!" Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

A papa mole was leading his wife and their two baby moles through their tunnel beneath a grocery store. At one point, the papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” A short stretch later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” A bit further and papa mole stopped yet again, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.” After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked their mamma whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?” The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”

Today I overheard my son talk back to my wife. She told him to do something and he told her, "No." So I had to pull him aside to talk to him and said, "Son, can you teach me how to do that?"

Did you try calling them? Phone # is listed on their web site: (503) 630-5867 https://skydiveaglecreek.com/

A very sad situation in my family: my grandfather is addicted to viagra. No one is taking it harder than my grandma!

One day, after a decade of practicing medicine, a gynecologist decided he was bored with his job and wanted a change. He realized that he had spent many years working with his hands, and so he decided he would switch to a career that would also require the use of his hands. Not wanting the stress of being a medical professional, he decided to attend vocational school to learn to be an automotive mechanic. He worked really hard and studied day and night. But when the results of his final exam came in, he was quite perplexed: he got a 150% on the test. The doctor figured this had to be a mistake so he called his instructor at the vocational school. Doc: "there must be some mistake. It says I got a 150% on the final exam. Could you explain why my score was so high?" Instructor: "well, for the first part of the test you disassembled the car's engine perfectly. That counts for 50 points on your test." "You then reassembled the engine perfectly. That got you another 50 points." "But the last 50 points are bonus points, because none of us instructors have ever seen anyone do all of that by working exclusively through the exhaust pipe."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right once I get to hospital." the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered the most tender and artful massage for several long minutes until he exploded in his pants. She smiled shyly and asked, "How does that feel?". "Feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"