Divalent

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" And sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The chained couple departs, and the other two women asked St Peter why? He said, "she stepped on a duck, and so as punishment she gets chained to an ugly man for the rest of time." The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and almost immediately along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together and says: "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together and tells them to get along. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

"One time I farted so long that I was surprised my butt didn't have to stop and catch its breath." Interviewer: "... and an occasion that you are not so proud of?"

A Rabbi and the Priest who go for a bush walk together and come across a beautiful lake. Hot and sweaty, but with no swimsuits, they decide to take a quick dip in the nude. A few minutes into their swim and they see two buses arrive, one filled with the Rabbis congregation and one filled with the Priests parishioners. The Priest covers his genitals and makes a mad dash for his clothes. He briefly turns to check on his friend the Rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. "Rabbi! What are you doing?" He yells. The Rabbi replies, "In my congregation, they recognize me by my face!"

My wife is the most suspicious person I know. If I come home early, she suspects I want sex. And if I come home late, she suspects I’ve already had it.

Well, apparently not exclusively a guy thing. The article actually has a photo of a woman groping her, lol.

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit. So I announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out who all my relatives are.

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island, stranded alone for over ten years surviving, on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks his eyes trying to figure out if he’s dreaming. When he refocuses it’s like a scene from a movie: the woman has taken off her mask and is shaking out long hair, water droplets glinting in the afternoon sunlight. He can tell she’s stunning. He sits there as she walks across the sand dropping her scuba gear as she goes. She stops standing in front him, drops her dive bag, and says, "been here long mister?" He can only nod his head while he looks for his voice. She laughs and asks, "you smoke?" He nods again and she unzips the dive bag and pulls out a couple of cigars and a lighter. She pops them in her mouth and lights them both before handing one over to him. They smoke together in silence while he drinks in her beauty. A few minutes later she asks, "you drink?" He nods again, still mute, and she reaches into her dive bag and removes a bottle of 20 year old scotch and two glasses. She pours a couple fingers of scotch in each and hands one to him before replacing the bottle of scotch and setting the dive bag aside. She sways seductively while humming as they drink the scotch together. When both glasses are empty she smiles and takes his glass, setting both aside on the ground. Standing up she starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit and asks suggestively, "Do you want to play around?" The man stands up breathing heavily, eyes following the slowly descending zipper. He stutters, eyes wide as he finally finds his long unused voice and says, "You mean to tell me you’ve got golf clubs too?"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck and a half, Deer nuts are under a buck.

Doctor: "Mr Smith, I’ve got your results, and we need to talk about them. But before we start, you should know ..." Mr Smith: "Doc, can you get to the point? I don’t have all day." Doctor: "Oh, so apparently someone already told you!"

A kid: "Mom, was I adopted?" Mom: "Yes, but it didn’t work out, so they made us take you back"

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

A doctor just finished up performing a physical on a patient. Doctor: "Your biggest problem under your control is that you are obese" The patient got defensive, and said to him: "Look, my sister is obese. My brother is obese. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My kids are obese. My grandparents are all obese. Obesity runs in my family!" Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

A papa mole was leading his wife and their two baby moles through their tunnel beneath a grocery store. At one point, the papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” A short stretch later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” A bit further and papa mole stopped yet again, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.” After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked their mamma whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?” The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”

Today I overheard my son talk back to my wife. She told him to do something and he told her, "No." So I had to pull him aside to talk to him and said, "Son, can you teach me how to do that?"

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